Cool pic. Looks to me like a love story between two old folks where one/both have dementia (brain sunset). Enjoying those last lucid moments together.
MR -
Not sure if I’m just remembering all the times when you rushed verses and you actually had time for this one, or if you’ve improved a lot, but this was a step up from what I expected - nice one. Esp mechanically - your lines are a more consistent length now and/or the rhyme spacing works better, which lends a more rhythm to your piece. Creative and evocative use of language to convey deep emotions and experiences for your character. It’s got a kinda introspective and contemplative tone. One area for improvement could be the organization and coherence of the ideas. While the imagery and emotions are beautifully expressed, the overall structure of the text might benefit from a clearer progression or flow. Like into a cohesive narrative or thematic thread. ALTHOUGH, the way it’s kind of scattered now actually works perfectly as the love + dementia take I mentioned. I’d like one concrete tie to that somewhere to make me believe that was intentional lol, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say this was a really good piece for this topic overall. Great job man.
Scar-
The opening stanza effectively captures a sense of nostalgia and introspection through its vivid descriptions and exploration of the characters' experiences. The use of imagery, such as salt meeting sand and the buzzing bees, adds depth to the scene at Wyman beach and sets a nostalgic tone. However, there are some areas where the writing could be refined. The transitions between the two parts of the text could be smoother to create a more cohesive narrative. It would be helpful to establish a clearer connection or parallel between the characters of Wyman beach and Billy to enhance the overall coherence of the piece. Additionally, the second part of the text, which focuses on Billy, could benefit from more development and clarity. While there are glimpses into his journey as an artist and his struggles with self-esteem, further exploration of his experiences, thoughts, and emotions would allow readers to connect with him on a deeper level. But I do know that’s difficult to do within 32 lines.
I think Scar had the better character development and mechanics, but overall I preferred MR’s emotive language and take on the topic.
V/ MR
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The Bad Guys
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