Originally Posted by Saint
rough. raw take.. will expand
The death of an unbelievably kind and sweet girl who took her life inspired this. She suffered inexplicable pain in her childhood from abuse & even made attempts since she was 12 to end her life. She was indescribably loving in her life and cared for animals even saving the sick, diseased and most would deem unloveable ones who'd get passed over. Also had bipolar. I write this teary eyed reminiscing. Sorry if it's not great it was done quick..
Just read it again...Tbh, despite my historical tendencies I would probably "pick" at this a little less than Lars...but it's important he's here to show us what his eye/ear sees...
I heard cursing before I could walk..
swhy i'm stuttering, muddling thoughts
I like the "swhy" to help the reader. "it's" too bulky there as u know & I appreciate you help the reader out, unlike some who stick to "perfect prose" at the risk of 2manysyllables...
Is this wrong? Is something my fault?
reality comes to a halt..
Liking the 4 multi's in a row here to start out. Not overly complex, but effective.
kids would tell me "whered you learn how to talk'
try mouthing words in the dark
slant, but Ok, workable
alone. hands on my lap in my place
the first contact I made was dad in my face
but wasnt to make me laugh for a taste...
I found this just a little bit grammatically confusing
the crib rattled. i shake. hes mad in this space
I feel shackled, cant handle the cage.
& years later people wondering why I'm not acting my age
v. nice flow/ simple but good 4 syl multi
picture this: terrible twos, home is abuse
was a gamble to see which parent would hold me more loose
This is like the only thing I'm gonna truly knock, Saint. As far as if this is a roughie and u will expand/edit later... I just don't like the wording of "which parent would hold me more loose", despite the rhyme fit...Re-wording is an option, OR rewording both lines and changing rhymes... I donno...this is the only one where I feel like "bringing the Lars critique down"...change somethin' here, pls, i.m.o.
noone to change me, nothing to view
except a crack in the wall bringing the scent of cigarette smoke in the room.
help, im choking on fumes
my life for a monitor and air circulating w/ potent perfume
by dusk it came. all i hear is drunken rage
I can't process the fear, I'm too young to pray
Fucking ridiculously dope man...Really strong 6 "lines of the verse" here...sick stuff- right after I nitpicked the prior couplet. Strong..."dusk it came/ drunken rage" a really great rhyme...slanty but so much smoother than the trickier/looser one prior on lines #5&6 (which is still OK)
mom hiding in the car
that's where she goes if she feels just unsafe
suicide note in the glove, gun from the case
NO. pump the brakes
It's not worth the lack of bdays, hugs and cake
Good descriptions...I could nitpick/argue for taking out "It's" on the prev. line...altho that might require a comma after "brakes" above if u do that...just a suggestion- yours is fine like i said, but not quite as Sick as the prior 6 Lines o.t.v...hmm, maybe a hybrid " 's not" - as you've shown w/ "swhy" & "noone"? Nitty gritty..
she says he's stuck in his ways..
it's a shout match, yaknow.. one of those days
washed into my memory. sunk in like stains
Fine...pretty sick flow. I think cutting off the -ing in "shouting" and meshing yaknow is PROPER, lol. Great multi at the end & imagery...well not so much imagery, but gr8 simile/description
Now
talk about scare rooms. mom jumps afraid
The house is lit, nowhere left to go & just escape
Eh.. Okay¬ bad, but not QUITE as strong/sick as my prior compliments
I'm so ready to cut these plates like busted chains
to force a fucking growth spurt so I can run away
saved/helped/recovered on this couplet - which is better than my previous nitpick
Pops i wish for death cuz you're hating me now..
I'm what grows up to be that guy who blows his brains in a crowd
Good shock content...could argue for a "who" rather than "what" but you're the righter and "what" is fine if u keep...
on the news, jaws dropped, everyone racing around
just put my last tape out. surrounding the bits of me placed on the ground
U broken my spirit. God recalled it straight to the cloud.
Maybe then.. i can finally go out and start making you proud
eh, i.m.o. "broke" works fine too...but you're a vet & it's probably broken for a reason...Nice closer...I mean, sad/tragic stuff but you know what I mean by nice. Execution.
RIP Brittney D Mitchell
2015
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