The flow is solid from the off, the first three lines to me almost read like they only needed to be two lines. The first as a shorter, more concise line on its own and then the next two sort of a longer follow up line read as a run-on sentence as I read through them.
The transition then into the next multi string seemed more wrote on the fly, I would have probably used “ask me” rather than “tell me” as they were posing it as a question. It’s a minor thing, really, but it was something I noticed even on first read so I felt it worth mentioning. The difficulty I guess I had with this section was more about how it was put together, you seemed to be looking to be looking more at carrying the overarching rhyme and the content loses focus a little.
For what it’s worth I actually enjoyed the idea of “years later people wonder why I’m not acting my age,”, that was definitely the standout and I understand why you chose to try and build up to it, it just needed tuning up somewhat IMHO. I would have perhaps chose to go with “The first contact THAT I made was dad in my face,” to give it an added internal rhyme. I’m still not entirely sure on those end rhymes of “Dad in my face,” “laugh for a taste,” “mad in this space,” if I’m completely truthful as they don’t come natural enough sounding to me as I read them aloud.
I see why you did it, I just felt it could be executed better with a bit more thought behind it. “Hold me more loose,” is another example of this I think. The idea is there conceptually, but the wording could be improved. I think if you took the time to rework it slightly this would tighten it up furthermore, the overarching multi here doesn’t work for me personally but it may just be an accent thing so I won’t be overly critical of that here.
The cigarette smoke line felt a lot longer than those that preceded it, syllabically there’s a definite difference in length of that line to the rest which interrupted the implied rhythmic cadence to me at that point.
The final third is actually where I felt you were at your best, from “mom hiding in the car,” onwards it felt like a more ‘real’ take than what had gone before it. The scheme at times feels mismatched syllablically at this point, but where earlier on it kind of felt to me that you had opted for style over substance where the rhyme scheme was concerned… later on here I felt the opposite, that you perhaps let up a little on the technical merit so that the emotional content came through.
It felt far more sincere and heartfelt even (to me at least). I don’t think I got the “cut these plates like busted chains” line, it felt a little out of place to me among the scenario being depicted.
Good to see you trying something different outside of your usual comfort zone.
Keep that pen moving!
|