Hope your retirement / life / screenplay ideas are all working out well.
Moving on,
First stanza
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First, my line nitpick/SUGGESTION, then some content analysis:
Pro players... Katz was never one to crack a true grin
Or ever act on a whim, his emotions were trapped deep within
Perhaps you're overcomplicating a bit for the sake of your multi streams?
I could argue the words "true", "ever", and "deep" can all be cut out, for a smaller but more compact/hard hitting mutli of "crack a grin", "act on a whim", and "trapped within"...
You (and Lars) are too good for yourselves sometimes... The flowery multis are certainly important but always ask yourself if something can be condensed and still have the impact.
Yes, ever rhymes with never...but it's redundant, as is true&deep...so that's just an editor's eye IN A GREAT VERSE WHERE IT'S HARD TO FIND THINGS WRONG...Lol, bud.
TO that point I thought (as it went on) and towards the ending the "Actions/Descriptions/Timeline/Character's thought processes" ETC...were all very impressivly encapsulated by an (as we know) very talented writer... All that detail in the second half of this first stanza is so efficient...the term "Went straight inside" is a 3-word haymaker of simplicity...just so smooth and it's 3 words to transition to HELP A RHYME ANNND get to the next plot point.
Impressive little details all over....like I said "inside the character's head/motivations"...down to the details of his mundane actions/lunch stops.. @
Universe is basically a private detective in his writing life...whatever it takes for character depth or plot smoothness.
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Rest of the Stanzas to be edited in later****
Lol, new edit:
Just read the 2nd large stanza...pretty friggen dope, man.. Will have to feed it soon before I move on and finish...I think it deserves it
BE BACK