@
Eviction
verse provided by AI
Um, nice...input prompts/questions, I guess.
Instant DQ - sorry. It's a writing contest.
There were (for sure) some cool lines/phrases/rhymes/descriptions.
And also a bunch of basic/trite lines too. Mixed bag. Overall? Impressive for a computer I thought.
That's my two lines of feed for the AI engine.
[&Before anyone says:
"Pharaoh, you've rapped someone else's lyrics before."(once)...I contend that this is way different:
1)It was my first-ever warmup track/recording- to explore the world of audio. 2)It was done out of respect for the writer. 3)I gave writing credits in the links/title/descriptions. And finally, it was a rough recording for fun, NOT a topical writing contest.]
Hope you/we all understand that I'm not being hypocritical.
V/@Universe:
[This is assuming your AI comments are mocking/spoofs and you wrote the thing yourself. Based on the writing I assume it's you.]
Yeah...maybe you should go out on top.
Really top-notch work here. Thought it was smooth, dope multies, good metaphor throughout, etc. Just so much better than last week. It really pained me to vote for you over @
brokenhal0 last week...I thought he out-wrote you in parts AND I enjoyed his style more that week - BUT he just had such length w/ too much filler and inconsistency that it cost him. < Just thought I'd add that since you two can't seem to drop it, plus it was a tough vote, plus I'm comparing this new verse of yours to last week's Uni...as I said, so much better.
CONSISTENCY
Only like... ONE cringeworthy wordplay line:
Diseases 'contract', we earn it back but pre-fur the cash
It's just anti-dope to me. Shocks the system after reading line after line of dope.
I'm aware there are other wordplays throughout. I didn't hate the other ones. Just say "prefer".
Earlier,
I'm a different breed, literally a litter of me is a pedigree
A stalemate, in hindsight chasing tail left me in the weeds (less syllables plz)
Thanks for critiquing your own shit. Yes, the line is imperfect by your standards.
Want my suggestion here? My fucking...lol...un-intelligent, un-original, wikipedia-using, shitty-writing suggestion?!...
You're gonna get it anyway. I highly suggest capitalizing or italicizing the word "in". That's the best quick-fix I got, and you know it works.
IN the weeds /
in the weeds...
*Late edit: I've discovered it also works emphasizing the word "left" and then adjusting accordingly. Lol, Thus I guess it's okay to leave it alone and trust the reader.
Do I have to explain why the wordplay
in hindsight chasing tail is good/works there?: Because it's not fucking corny and doesn't change the "tone". Nice.
Ex-stinked like Sabertooth Tigers
Woops found another one. I'd rate this somewhere between the two described above...between bad and good.
Sorry. I'll drop it and try to do more substantive analysis:
I smile with dentures, hiding dilemmas that's defying common sense
You fucking suck dude.
How about "
which defy" instead of "
that's defying"?
Plus it even works better on the rhyme with "awhile" above, since there's no -ing after the hard I vowel.
Fucking fixed. & You're welcome.
I'm confident in this one. The other ones are suggestions/ideas.
As a child of incest I'm forever silent as a lamb
Yet cuz of my sex they'll never see me as the pedophile that I am...
Similar to your own critique above, I think that closer has too many syllables.
You COULD...do a 1-off and stick that "Yet" on the top line.
lamb, Yet or/ lamb. Yet,
You COULD put some dashes @
corleone/pharaoh style for the last three words:
that-I-am
It wouldn't look so perfect. Might look like a messy audio verse of mine. But it's just two lines.
&...This doesn't fix the syllable problem but I'd probably use "see me
for the pedophile that I am" instead of "
as the pedophile that I am". I'd also probably spell it "fer", for flow/personal pronunciation purposes. THEN it's a messy pharaoh couplet. lol.
These critiques/suggestions/nit-picks are out of RESPECT for you as a writer. Hope at least one strikes your fancy, or slightly improves a line. If not, that's fine too.
Retiring for screenwriting Uni?!! Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.
But on a serious note, I wish you success in your endeavors and hope you suprise us with a visit/verse some year.
(Career)
strengths:One of the best I've ever seen. Period. Point blank.
weaknesses:"occasional" hubris. overuse of (sometimes) corny wordplay. over-reliance on movies/pop culture. over-use of extended metaphor [but usually pulls it off OK]. It was done well in this week's verse, one of your tightest yet.
Peace.
Thanks to both competitors for their submissions.
but...Eviction where is the fun in not writing your own?