Netcees - View Single Post - XI WK VI: Civil Rawr xD (1-3) vs. Dope girl (2-2) (CIVIL RAWR XD WINS)

Pharaohs Army · 02-02-2023, 01:15 AM

@Civil Rawr xD...

Do you have a former alias? Just curious.

You're lucky your verse was decent...because it didn't really tie to the topic/picture at all...So at the risk of pissing off Activate_Self I'm inclined to reward you the vote based on a superior/more fleshed out verse, DESPITE lack of topic connection.
Creative topical writing is very broad though, & if you hadn't admitted you didn't write to the picture you could have hyopothetically defended yourself with vague platitudes about the complexities of love&dating, & how they have "everything to do with a loaded syringe".
Topic aside,

I see a lot of potential in your writing, based on this one.
Although it does give a "not really trying" vibe. But your experience and talent provided for flashes of entertainment.
Some lines & phrases are trite, borderline filler, unexciting, uninspiring.
However, some lines & phrases are definitely good & creative.

At least twice you used meta "writing-about-writing" lines.
I thought the first one was nice and creative but the second one fell flat&sucked.
I’ve gone from contemplating suicide to considering wordplay
Vs
just kidding bout Iran but nothing else rhymed

See the difference?
First one is creative.
That second one is a hard "No". Even if you're not trying.

You went from a late night fling to a date night thing
I thought this was the LOTB, and it's even earned at least a temporary spot in my signature...Some may find it banal...I say it's a great/quick hitting 3 syllable rhyme that describes a large portion of the generation of folks currently in their 20s & 30s. Really great line.

I turn 32 in a few days, will I get a call or a text?
Will I log into insta and see a post congratulating my best?
What do I want? I wanna see ur favorite picture of us in a frame
I want you to call me babe or baby instead of saying my name
Content-wise I thought this was the best and (importantly) the most "authentic" part of the piece. Complex relationships/small things which are big things/etc.
In summary. Highlights & lowlights. Good - but you can do better. Would love to see you put in some more effort AND attempt to connect to the topic if you're in next week. Good luck

BTW, I've got you taking the W.
v/ Civil Rawr

------------------------------------------
@Dope girl:
Can you believe I've been on Netcees with you for over 8.5 years?!..FFS...Minus whatever hiatuses I/we've taken.
I've seen a lot of your writings, and HISTORICALLY: [we'll get to this week's verse in just a minute.]
strengths: authenticity, emotion, usually nice cadence/flow for what are usually nice 1-syllable rhymes,
also a portion(some) of the grammatical "errors" SEEM perhaps intentional, for the purposes of flow or slang...
weaknesses:grammatical errors, elementary/overly simplistic at times, limited vocab/word choice, lack of multi-syllable rhymes...
Not trying to be harsh hun, just giving you how I see/read it...we all love your strengths :-) ...You've heard these things from me in various feedbacks, I'm sure.

There's something in my brain,
Your Chemicals like a needle in my vein.
I felt high, feeling the pain,
Nice MULTI-SYLLABLE rhyme on this last couplet! Try to use a few more of them next time.
Love fever drives me insane and I can't complain.
Good phrase of "love fever"...how about the word "yet" instead of "and"? -- to show more contrast/duality of love's emotions/consequences. "yet I can't complain"...just a suggestion, and hey, your "and" arguably flows better phonetically...just trying to make you think creatively.
Love used to be dope,
simple, yet GOOD double-meaning and relation to the topic
I gave you hope.
Love was on fire, in a burning heart.
This line is a little bit cliche', but okay.
This painting of you on the wall burning art.
Any kind of punctuation between "wall"&"burning" would improve the line (IMO). Slight pause there, right? Especially due to the comma after "fire" on the line above it:
Period. Comma, semi-colon; dash - all work there to me.
You left me out of spite,
That's not right.
You thought you can have your fun,
I can play this game too, I won.
Vintage Dope Girl line...simple but GAME OVER, lol. Very matter-of-fact statement.
I can't hold the pain longer,
I'm getting Stronger.
I'm done hoping we can stay together,
I will never be the same.
Powerful line. It is cliche', but I'd argue it's "good cliche'", and an important line that says a lot in 6 words. Glad you put it in.
I wanted us walk down the aisle,
"to* walk"
I thought about a wedding ring.
I thought you my King,
You used to make me smile.
Good closer. Another simple line that says alot.

Well,
-You nailed the picture for sure
-I see improvement in this verse based on your past works.
-My vote went to your opponent because his verse was a bit more advanced and definitely had a length advantage. But yours is more concise and ARGUABLY more impactful because the whole thing was "serious"...thus, it was a close match to me, but as mentioned above I voted for Civil Rawr.

Keep working on your weaknesses...sprinkle in a bit more multies...and on some lines ask yourself "have I heard it this way before?" HOW can I phrase this line differently so it's more impactful?...
Basically, keep writin' & improving.

Thanks to both competitors for the submissions.

02-02-2023, 01:15 AM	#15
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	@Civil Rawr xD... Do you have a former alias? Just curious. You're lucky your verse was decent...because it didn't really tie to the topic/picture at all...So at the risk of pissing off Activate_Self I'm inclined to reward you the vote based on a superior/more fleshed out verse, DESPITE lack of topic connection. Creative topical writing is very broad though, & if you hadn't admitted you didn't write to the picture you could have hyopothetically defended yourself with vague platitudes about the complexities of love&dating, & how they have "everything to do with a loaded syringe". Topic aside, I see a lot of potential in your writing, based on this one. Although it does give a "not really trying" vibe. But your experience and talent provided for flashes of entertainment. Some lines & phrases are trite, borderline filler, unexciting, uninspiring. However, some lines & phrases are definitely good & creative. At least twice you used meta "writing-about-writing" lines. I thought the first one was nice and creative but the second one fell flat&sucked. I’ve gone from contemplating suicide to considering wordplay Vs just kidding bout Iran but nothing else rhymed See the difference? First one is creative. That second one is a hard "No". Even if you're not trying. You went from a late night fling to a date night thing I thought this was the LOTB, and it's even earned at least a temporary spot in my signature...Some may find it banal...I say it's a great/quick hitting 3 syllable rhyme that describes a large portion of the generation of folks currently in their 20s & 30s. Really great line. I turn 32 in a few days, will I get a call or a text? Will I log into insta and see a post congratulating my best? What do I want? I wanna see ur favorite picture of us in a frame I want you to call me babe or baby instead of saying my name Content-wise I thought this was the best and (importantly) the most "authentic" part of the piece. Complex relationships/small things which are big things/etc. In summary. Highlights & lowlights. Good - but you can do better. Would love to see you put in some more effort AND attempt to connect to the topic if you're in next week. Good luck BTW, I've got you taking the W. v/ Civil Rawr ------------------------------------------ @Dope girl: Can you believe I've been on Netcees with you for over 8.5 years?!..FFS...Minus whatever hiatuses I/we've taken. I've seen a lot of your writings, and HISTORICALLY: [we'll get to this week's verse in just a minute.] strengths: authenticity, emotion, usually nice cadence/flow for what are usually nice 1-syllable rhymes, also a portion(some) of the grammatical "errors" SEEM perhaps intentional, for the purposes of flow or slang... weaknesses:grammatical errors, elementary/overly simplistic at times, limited vocab/word choice, lack of multi-syllable rhymes... Not trying to be harsh hun, just giving you how I see/read it...we all love your strengths :-) ...You've heard these things from me in various feedbacks, I'm sure. There's something in my brain, Your Chemicals like a needle in my vein. I felt high, feeling the pain, Nice MULTI-SYLLABLE rhyme on this last couplet! Try to use a few more of them next time. Love fever drives me insane and I can't complain. Good phrase of "love fever"...how about the word "yet" instead of "and"? -- to show more contrast/duality of love's emotions/consequences. "yet I can't complain"...just a suggestion, and hey, your "and" arguably flows better phonetically...just trying to make you think creatively. Love used to be dope, simple, yet GOOD double-meaning and relation to the topic I gave you hope. Love was on fire, in a burning heart. This line is a little bit cliche', but okay. This painting of you on the wall burning art. Any kind of punctuation between "wall"&"burning" would improve the line (IMO). Slight pause there, right? Especially due to the comma after "fire" on the line above it: Period. Comma, semi-colon; dash - all work there to me. You left me out of spite, That's not right. You thought you can have your fun, I can play this game too, I won. Vintage Dope Girl line...simple but GAME OVER, lol. Very matter-of-fact statement. I can't hold the pain longer, I'm getting Stronger. I'm done hoping we can stay together, I will never be the same. Powerful line. It is cliche', but I'd argue it's "good cliche'", and an important line that says a lot in 6 words. Glad you put it in. I wanted us walk down the aisle, "to* walk" I thought about a wedding ring. I thought you my King, You used to make me smile. Good closer. Another simple line that says alot. Well, -You nailed the picture for sure -I see improvement in this verse based on your past works. -My vote went to your opponent because his verse was a bit more advanced and definitely had a length advantage. But yours is more concise and ARGUABLY more impactful because the whole thing was "serious"...thus, it was a close match to me, but as mentioned above I voted for Civil Rawr. Keep working on your weaknesses...sprinkle in a bit more multies...and on some lines ask yourself "have I heard it this way before?" HOW can I phrase this line differently so it's more impactful?... Basically, keep writin' & improving. Thanks to both competitors for the submissions. Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 02-02-2023 at 07:33 AM.