Cereal:
Against the grain here...I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I think this verse shows some regression rather than improvement... Just my opinion and I'll tell you why...
Many of your previous verses contain the same poor grammar and nonsensical phrases, BUT you sprinkle in creative ideas and imagery. In this one I'm not seeing the creativity and imagery I do in some of your other pieces. And the nonsensical phrases lacked the "cool" factor that some of your older pieces do...where a quarter or half of the phrases make no sense but are still intriguing or cool.
You focused on rhyming, particularly in the first stanza. I think it hurt you...some words and phrases in there are just forced rhymes.
I'm glad that you continue to write & try... you have a lot of potential I believe.
And I think you WANT to be unorthodox...which is FINE, I dig that aspect...you just have to find a way to do it better.
I bet if you or I (or anyone) dug through your seasons of verses we could pluck some really cool phrases and imagery, smash them all together, rhyme some, try to find a theme or a central storyline...would take some editing but my point is the end result would be COOL,
So I guess my point is-- next week, focus on your imagery, PHRASING/word choice, story or theme...&the rhymes will come naturally. good luck
------------
Scar
Disclaimer: much like Symetrik I have never seen the WonderWoman movies and am not well-versed in the DC/Marvel/Comic world...
You start out with heavy rhymes then it progresses to near rhymes and sometimes non-rhymes. This is not necessarily a terrible thing...just kind of surprised me.
For some reason I really dig the near rhyme of bacterias /crack barriers
I wish I could comment more story-wise,,,just don't know enough about the background/topic...I guess I will just say I was motivated to keep reading to see what happens and how it ends. Therefore it was engaging ENOUGH. I like the ending when it says she gave herself to Hades. lol
You sprinkle a bunch of dialogue, one of your strenghts.
That being said, I felt it did not meet nearly the depth/skill level of traditional Scar verses that I've seen in the past. But the picture/topic and the amount of time you spent on it can certainly be factors in that.
V Scar
|