[Universe]

So this was like reading somebody's long-winded outline for a creative story which was ultimately printed as a first draft and then immediately reading the Wikipedia entry that it was based on... and then being asked which is better. Neither of them were particularly interesting or "good", and honestly seemed like it was a battle betwen a guy who was consumed by his own ambitions and somebody attempting to be a writer without actually, you know.... being one. This is, unfortunately, amateur hour at its finest ladies and gents... but that hour had some minutes sprinkled in there that gave me hope for the future.

symetrik:

Your creative vision for this piece is a noble one. I think you're skilled in this regard, much more than your opponent. You told a STORY here, and I appreciate how you laid it out and attempted to let us settle into the experience immediately by offering us a small little intro and glimpse into how this will all play out. The problem was, ultimately, the narrative never felt like it left the introduction stage.

Lines were long and technically jagged in a multi/rhyme scheme sense, the timing felt off; Yet strangly, they seemed natural and organic... to a detriment - Almost like a keystyle that you just did to get the material down but then didn't do any editing on. You probably went back, moved/altered a word or two, read it and thought, 'good enough'. IT SHOULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. You KNOW it could’ve been better. And you posted early, which makes it worse. Hold onto it as long as you can... I'm done within 2 days too but I always keep at it and it always gets so much better with time. Every time.

Like for example there would be a cool bar but it was sandwiched between two bars struggling to be as persuasive, almost as if you're telling YOURSELF the story AS you were telling it to us. You needed more planning and forethought, then you would be able to lead us down the path in interesting ways... There were hints of this here and there, but you never quite pulled it off. Where it stands, you sort of went, "Hey, see those arrows on the path up ahead? Yeah, follow them." Then walked away. And us as the tourists just looked at each other like, Worst. Guide. Ever. Which is a shame because the path is actually interesting but could be so much more with a good storyteller telling us the history in an efficient and timely manner. This comes naturally with rewriting and editing. Remember: Just because you created the path doesn't mean you should rest on your laurels and act like your job is done. Creation is the first step... Editing IS the writing.

Basically I think you're intentions are good but your execution is weak. Technically you have some flashy moments and presentation but you can never seem to maintain it. Your IDEAS are intriguing - I like the switching between locations and then back again - but are just too basic in execution that it lacks the punch that it clearly demands of itself. That YOU demand of IT. I feel like there's a diamond in you waiting to be uncovered... I feel it. You know it. You're almost there...

But for now, all I can say is... you can do better. You ARE better than this. And I expect a huge improvement next week because I can tell you're passionate and motivated.

Pharoahs Army:

Flow was much better here than sym's. But you're an audio guy so that's to be expected. I appreciated the brackets as optional content too because the verse could be read both ways and when I saw one I read the line twice. I think you should've exploited this method more actually and even made it a theme for the piece... But that would be a level of creativity that you just don't possess, my friend. I thought this was stale and stagnant; a Wikipedia entry to a bombing with little to no heart and told like a robot who knows about syllable counts. There was no story here... It was a research project that you tried to dress up with Bold lettering and Italics; Even repeating your final line multiple times like it meant something. It didn't. Lars pulled this off beautifully in his piece and gave it impact... You just seemed like you copied that strategy but without any real thought as to WHY it works and HOW to execute it.

I honestly felt like you Google'd some article and copied and pasted down the cool sounding lines and looked to see where the connections were in terms of rhyming, then spun it together with loose wording to make yourself sound smart. I'm not buying it, buddy. This reeked of laziness and you've gotten away with it here with these other idiots voting but guess what? Shit gets real when Uni steps in the room. So here it goes: I think you're all talk with nothing to back it up, someone who states his case somewhat intelligently but is immediately swayed by anyone else that has a difference of opinion. I think you write like this too... I think you're scared to be you and I think you want to be perceived by people in a certain way but can't ever seem to execute your intentions, because you're in way over your head yet can't admit it to yourself. You're not smart enough to know you're not smart enough. It's harsh but it's true. And you need to hear it.

It's only when we shed the skin we are clinging to are we free to rebuild ourselves how we see fit. Tell us about YOU next time, using your topic as a proxy. Let us in. You will do well. You've DONE well doing this before. Stop with the excuses. No one cares. If you're here, WRITE... Otherwise just go away. We don't need your percentages on if you'll show up or not. Nobody gives a fuck about you.

I'm 100% sure of that.

In the end, symetrik is a better writer than you, he just needs refinement. You're more practised in your approach but you're not authentic (yet). I won't vote for your fabrication of creativity.

I'll vote for the only creator in the room.

Vote: symetrik

* PA please learn from this. Don't just try to defend yourself in the chat after you read this. Ignore that Instinct. Trust me... it's for the best.