[symetrik]

universe -

The bright light was just beautiful, I saw dad disguised in illusions
Reciting the blueprint of a Nike commercial - Michael's 'Just Do It'
He was only nine or ten too, the TV seemed shiny and new
A Panasonic twenty two inch with a satellite giving boosts
Signaling a tiresome youth; Trials, tribulations, all entirely due
Why would you silently mute a quiet teen who finally grew?
You can rightly assume the marathon to be like his idol ensued
College is moot, he's too tall to dispute basketball is his route...
Don't think there's time to preview everything it ought to include
I watched every crucial last second buzzer beating shot on a loop (there was 8)
No topic's taboo, dad never stayed in an ominous mood
I'm his favorite daughter, do we need to make it an obvious clue?
I am popular, cool; Natalia, Capri and Bianka are doomed
I'm thirteen, of course I think my dad is more awesome than you...

Talking to who?

I took "he was only nine or ten too" to be a lil play on words, like "he was a kid" but also "dude was a giant". good sense of setting Kobe as attentive to everything he could learn and gather from things as simple as commercials of his idols, I've seen an interview or two with the guy and he seems the type to pick apart what worked for others and make it work for himself too. this stanza might have a little confusion, mostly in the sense of "wait the girl's thirteen but the dad was how old when he started his tiresome youth?" ya feel. "route" definitely depends on pronunciation but I'm lenient with my rhymes so I'll be lenient with yours lmao, both are valid ways to pronounce it.

I watched every crucial last second buzzer beating shot on a loop

cleanest line.

I don't know much about his life, but I appreciate the references - had to look up his family, but honestly at first read through those names just struck me as popular names so it worked regardless.

I sense a cruel foreboding that consciousness looms
I feel one arm and a tooth, and one beat my heart can't recoup...
I'm trying to move... Looking up I see the sky isn't blue
Uncertain what we collided into, all I recall is a mind-bending oof
Blind in a plume of smoke, it's hard to see the positive side of a fluke
Can't spot Ara Zobayan, the best helicopter pilot I knew...
I recall the ride with my crew, Aly & Pay beside me like usual
Hormones firing through, discussing boys that our eyes have perused
A diet of fruit, fish and vegetables stimulate this minor league group
An unfortunate side effect to us thirsty dehydrated goofs
Our Sikorsky chopper flew the players; families we'd invite 'em in too
Luxury cruise, pasta noodles and dad saying, "Eat your vitamins, boo"
Me and my girls enthusiastically know our arrival's at noon
Mamba Ballers will rule & bring home a basketball title from school!
Light rain in view as we circled a minimized L.A. Zoo...
Skyline white as glue, dad mused, "Why are we climbing so soon..."
Heard a spiked decibel while gaining altitude, saw a light then a boom
My mind just got bruised, minus minutiae I saw my life in review:
I'm older as I drive to the hoop and hypnotize them with moves
Best league player in the WNBA, every single guy in pursuit
Dad walked me down the aisle, my groom watched his bride-to-be swoon
Being a wife was a shoe in, plus there was a child to boot!

A boy.

this was a REAL quick pivot to the event, which I think works well - shit like this comes out of the blue and it replicated that by the timing of this IMO. "mind bending oof" is... I hate it, but I think this is just an attempt to replicate the way kids might be speaking. she seemed like she had a stronger vocab than this? so it throws me off. I'm seeing the imagery of the clouds and shit, but not fully connecting on the diet/etc.

minus minutiae I saw my life in review

two points, I think this is a dope line, but it says "review" - the following lines definitely feel more like a "damn this is all the cool stuff that could have happened" and not really a flashback/review.

In his eyes were pursuits plus his smile was cute
If I'm defining the truth I'd say he reminds me of you...
Then irony cued, that's when the details of your crime get aloof
You mentally withdrew to where the vilest human might never stoop
A sizeable humiliation; Nothing pans out with optional zoom
You stayed honorable - You were the best dad a daughter could choose
I remember you lifting me high like when you retired in June
From a tight-knit community; In your arms I could fly to the roof!
Call me Gigi or Gianna, in two ways I'm a hybrid of you
You're a giant entombed; No one can deny that your island was proof
Your soul expired prior to being Covid virus immune (what's that?)
Broken violently, no one assumed Kobe Bryant could lose...
People cried as Harbor Day School retired my number 2
Saw the WNBA draft me... that's when I got confused...
What does 'posthumous' mean? That night I was prime in the news
Giving timed interviews I always thought I had the right to refuse
Dad you always said if you could you would buy us the moon
Said if we stop and duly smell the roses then violets would bloom

My Superman.

I think... we're still in the "review"? bc otherwise I don't understand the context of author being Gianna but being alive for a posthumous thing, unless this is a reference I'm missing - but I don't think so, since a line or two later "dad you always said", which implies he's gone. this is a little tough to follow IMO. also the "covid virus immune (what's that?)" is confusing - is it "the daughter doesn't quite understand a pandemic" or is it the author's political jab? this stanza had the appropriate moments but nothing stood out, and I felt a bit confused after it.

I never knew the damage blunt force trauma could do
I saw my momma at funerals... but um, why are there two...?
The scene's rewinding; dad's body ignited in fuel and fried to a prune
As the fire consumed you I realized my future had died in it too...
Saw your profile on the horizon, waiting in the whitest of rooms
Enticing me to it... I felt safer than being right in mom's womb
We began rising... It's truly as if your height had improved
I felt your loving caress as you hugged me tightly then-- Poof.
It's as if a halo had lowered into an enlightened round noose

Tying loose ends.

Like someone knew I can't live life without you...

Let's go, Dad.

We got this.

back on track in the present, at the crash. maybe an out-of-body experience witnessing her own death is what I'm gathering now. not sure the imagery of a noose makes sense to me, but this was a solid closer.

---

Frank - so I don't have to say it after each stanza, great use of spacing and formatting to visually create certain feelings, onomatopoeia vibes, etc.

“Michael Jordan dribbling to the arch for the 3!”
From the top of the perimeters circumferences key:
Out of bounds—CAREENING—Into the bleachers rumbling seats
#23: shrugs at The Dean. Coach Dean shrugs at the team—

"What does all the shruggery mean?"

grammar is distracting, needs some key punctuation that is throwing me off. decent flow, some words need to be cleaned up. are bleachers seats? how are they rumbling?

Coach Dean calls for the "Time-Out!" with a disruptive T!
...Scolding the rookie in front of the team...
Cussing obscene, an ugly scene:
“Adjust To The Screen!!!"
"Find The Open Man Cutting To The Basket—Or I'm Subbing In Pete!”
The Referee blew the whistle! EARDRUM PUNCTURING: “Twwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee******!!!!!“
Shouting Thunderously:
"FOLLOW YOUR SHOT!!!"

I don't like "scene/scene" it stands out in a bad way. Pete BETTER be a real person, but I'm not looking it up. as before, decent flow but even with the visual aide of spacing it hits a few bumps for me.

—Over Fans—Up On Their Feet!!!
An Undefeated Team...
...Crushing The League
Rough/Mean: They're A Dunking Machine:
They were FASTER. They were STRONGER. They were BIGGER. They were TOUGHER:
...But we were gunning for the ring! Sinking buckets, Dropping jumpers and Hustling on D:
They had gotten into foul trouble
...As Number 23, fought-off the double team and got off the shot that had the buzzer beat!
Jordan dropped "ANOTHER 3!" With the clutchest release of anybody The Dean must’ve seen since the Bucks had Kareem
Their heads hung in defeat:
The shot clock stopped at

3:23

The score board read


100 — 3
They Were Only Up By 3!
—[MALFUNCTIONING]—

"rough/mean" meh. I liked "faster/stronger/bigger/tougher", if only for the daft punk vibe. who or what is D, defense?

Jordan dropped "ANOTHER 3!" With the clutchest release of anybody The Dean must’ve seen since the Bucks had Kareem

dope.

I didn't understand "100 to 3" but "they were only up by 3"? I generally understand "up by 3" to mean "3 more than the other team".

Coach Dean, draws up another scheme & Comes Up With A Speech:
“Some wish it would happen, some want it to happen, others make it happen:
"Which Ones Are We!?”
The sweat, pouring off #23's body—huffing and puffing with steam
#23: comforts his young team overrunned with fatigue
The NBA scouts are watching number #23 up in the luxury seats
The NBA Draft Is Your Chance To Make Reality Of What Once Was Your Dream
“The moneys guaranteed, but your minutes are not. So, play these last couple of minutes with All You've Got
Whole Bunch Of Belief…
ONE!


TWO!!


THREE!!!

"TARHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Coach Dean, draws up another scheme & Comes Up With A Speech:
“Some wish it would happen, some want it to happen, others make it happen:
"Which Ones Are We!?”

strong start, this worked well and flowed well. alright imagery but not as strong as I would have liked it, more focus on the exhaustion and fatigue would be cool, I think it pivoted to the scouts too quickly.

Pom-Pom's Pumping. Drummers Drumming: Marching Band Trumpets Erupting
#23...Beating The Defender—off-of-the weak side: DUNKING ANDSTUFFING IT!!
#23 Ran The FloorAnd crashed the boards... Sneaker's Shuffled & Squeaked
—Defense—Wins—Championships—
D-FENCE:
D-FENCE!
D-FENCE:
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“They Call Him Windex Man: Because He's Always Cleaning The Glass—Going Up For The RE!”
Fundamentals can be teached
But what #23, could do, under pressure, at crunch time, was something to see:
“With Authority! Yes, And It Counts! He’ll Go To The Line For One.”
#23cut the lead

...Cross Over

Drop Step. . .

The Floater

***TTTTTWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***

felt a bit more of the energy here, but I don't watch basketball so some of the phrasings lost itself on me.

Sneaker's Shuffled & Squeaked // D-FENCE:
D-FENCE!
D-FENCE:
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for some reason this hit really well for me and put me in the space - chanting, etc.

But what #23, could do, under pressure, at crunch time, was something to see:

punctuation again, but smooth at its core.

...Coach Dean: drew up a play, for the brightest young star in the country: #23.
...#23, missed the free throw, just so, he could out-hustle and retrieve-the-ball and hit the GAME-WINNING-BUCKET
Nothing. But. Net.
Extending His Tongue As He Leaped!!!!!!!!!!!
Under The Heap Of
The #1 Team


Gatorade Dumped On The Dean:
...Posing...

...After The Shot...

Hand Up With The Ring

*SWISH*

nothing really stand out, but a good wrap up IMO.

vote: Universe