[Diablo]

Tough topic, for sure, at least in the sense that it doesn’t offer much in the way of a direct approach here and something to aim for. The way I see it there’s a clear advantage to opening up a world-building exercise and incorporating what you want within the topics frame work, though, and that’s likely the route I see both taking on this one. I guess the question, as a reader, would be “Who is Anna?” and “How or why is she a toy, what happened to make her that, why does that define her, or - at least - what event(s) made someone write that in such a place, and why?” We’re going to need answers here. Is she literally a toy as in some sort of mind controlled robotic manifestation controlled by her superior in some sort of dystopian future type epic? I’m aware of a movie called ANA by the artist Frédérick Maheux that dealt with Anorexia and that’s almost at the back of my mind somewhat when I think of the name ‘Anna’. I’m trying to stay away from that, so in my head my initial robot type idea has the name ANNA or A.N.N.A and it would be an acronym for Artificial something something Automaton. Just generally where my head is with this looking at the topic for the first time in here. Anyway, let’s see how you guys have it…

Universe: I’m honestly not familiar with the whole Bio Shock thing, in truth, I haven’t clicked any links beforehand nor played any videos attached, so I’m solely going off the standalone verse here. I’ve seen Adverse’s vote just now and he mentioned it was some sort of computer game, I had no idea prior to seeing that mentioned so I apologise if I missed anything. I guess gaming just isn’t my bag, nothing wrong with it, it’s just not really my thing. From a technical standpoint in terms of the rhyme schemes carried over multiple lines, and flipped back and forth internally as well as externally, you did a great job over so many lines. It’s almost like it’s become expected of you, in a sense, so people aren’t that surprised when they see it done as it just becomes atypical of the style or whatever and they associate you with this - but speaking as someone that utilises similar approaches, techniques, patterns or whatever you want to call it, this is still far beyond the level seen week in and week out by the majority, and not the minority, of the members that make up the league. It shouldn’t really go overlooked, or underappreciated, just because it’s almost become expected. I feel for you, and I mean that, as I read some of the voters comments and feel like a lot of missed by them when reading when you clearly put work in. There are times when it’s almost too cleanly done, too subtle and less obvious, so well written that theres rhymes almost hidden in the lines only picked up by astute eyes that are looking for them. I think that’s likely why we’ve clashed before on occasion, we’re almost too similar in some regards, both fiercely competitive and capable of dropping 64 lines in short time frames to obscure topics while also penning these delicately intricate rhyme patterns etc. The difficulty level doesn’t escape me, and it’s definitely harder than it looks especially when trying to not only tell the story but also keep the line length down to give it an implied rhythmic cadence too. I think many overlook that because it can seem so simple when reading it, yet so many find difficulty with that aspect in their own writing. It’s definitely an area that creates a margin of error for a lot of topicalists and fewer do it well than do it wrong. I think Adverse touched on it briefly in his write up but the character development, for me as a complete outsider with no prior knowledge of the characters involved, could have used more to make me feel invested in them as people to make me care about what was happening to them. I didn’t feel I was all that invested in them emotionally and so the payoff was somewhat lost, on me, even though I enjoyed the build up through to the conclusion and the obvious technical aspects along the way. That said, I’m also more than aware the limitations of the line limits only allow you to do so much within their framework, it almost feels counterintuitive to tell you to rhyme less or to condense it down to allow you to have sections developing characters as there’s no doubt even more to this overarching tale you’ll have had to cut out when you were finished. Somewhere in between there may be a happy medium, but it’s ultimately about where you’re happy that decides which way you go about it. I personally am a massive fan of schemes and rhymes and multies so I completely get the decision, I’m also aware others will claim it should be substance over flare and whatever, but you know what? It’s the flare that I honestly believe is what sets us apart. There are some naturally very talented writers here, no doubt, and often we know of their writing talents… but when it comes to them competing, consistently, at the top level with 64 lines each and every week, they can’t (or don’t) do it. It’s the hard workers that do it, and that’s precisely what I consider us both to be. The hard work beats talent time and time again in this particular format, because it’s not about writing a one-off gem when you have all the time in the world to sit and contemplate it - this format is about who can write the most consistently good verses, week after week, with a high output and largely high degree of technical skill and mastery along with whatever other literary elements we care to involve. It requires a skillset, or set of skills even, that not every good to great writer here possesses and to come back to my earlier point, that’s what separates us from the rest. The consistency. The determination. The will to win, and to compete at the highest level of competition each and every week. They’re sleeping, but I see you.

Scar: Man, I really wish you had finished this the way you opened. There were a few minor gripes early on, sure, but little a quick read through and editing here and there couldn’t have polished up. The general scene setting and writers voice had me right there with you. The smells of the scents, the sound of the storm outside, the pea coats… it was peppered with all the right ingredients for Joe’s stew (Yee-haw!) and then just when you seemed to be getting down to the meat and potatoes of it all (Gasp!) you seemed to spill it into your own lap somewhat. For what it’s worth I thought you handled the dialogue between characters better than Universe did in his here, and I’m a horror fan so you know I’m aware of Nosferatu (well, way more familiar with that than I am Bioshock for example) so I guess I had more familiarity with the subject matter in yours also that probably had me leaning your way a little more there. The twist was somewhat unexpected in him being a vampire, which wasn’t necessarily bad in itself, but as you drew more towards the closer it seemed like you ran out of juice somewhat and lost steam, turning cold (like a stew would, perhaps?). I think a huge difference between the two writtens from you guys here, that I noticed hasn’t really been touched upon so far, is that where I felt Uni lacked somewhat in character development, Scar seemed to excel here. He set the pace with a slow burner affair, moved his chess pieces so that he set his stall out early on with the storm closing in and these two people meeting.. he built them up, gave detailed imagery as to what they were witnessing and their thoughts, created this atmosphere around them and their surrounding which we could all relate to given the December weather no doubt, and he placed us right there alongside the characters involved. The dialogue was largely natural sounding and handled well, and so it felt very organic as the narrative unravelled itself here, he kept it to a slower pace rather than worrying about the line limits and needing to hurry it and I think that approach worked really well, at least at the start, then as he worked towards the final third he maybe realised he had already used up quite a lot of elbow room and needed to try and bring this home. It’s a shame, really, as he did well up until that point and it would have made for a solid enough joint in the Open Mic forum for example had he more time to flesh it out. The imagery was largely on point, the only real niggle for me on first read was that “like a golden band,” but that only stands out because the rest felt done to a much higher standard overall. I noticed also that this had parallels with the short cypher joint you dropped in on, similar thematically toward its end, so maybe you had this idea kicking around a little prior. I could be wrong.

Anyway, that’s how I saw it, there wasn’t a great gulf in terms of talent despite both sort of taking different approaches I guess, one excelling where the other perhaps didn’t so much - and that applied in both cases to an extent, but that said this isn’t me playing the fence, there was a clear winner in my mind and Universe just out muscled Scar here, for me, even without me knowing much by way of the Bioshock gaming work etc he just had too much in the tank, his hard work and endeavour are what drove him over the line. This is actually quite a poignant result that only lends itself to my earlier comment about hard work and talent I guess in a way, which I genuinely wasn’t alluding to earlier, but it does have similarities to what we see in this match because where Uni showed the staying power over the duration of a marathon - Scar would, perhaps, have preferred a shorter spring to get to the finish line. Interesting analogy, eh?

Vote - Universe