Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK FIFTEEN: MIKE WRECKA (3-2) vs RAWN MD (1-1) MIKE WRECKA WINS 4-2

Frank · 08-10-2022, 05:26 PM

RAWN MD

Countdown to zero hour
Earth crushing steel devours
Fire!
from bread baskets to stealing flour
states Rays up to stake their power
jockying Plaice to Skate or Flounder
left us Flat Fishin’ in problems past fixin
Nah! I liked the concept of "Stake the power", though. The rest is iffy in the grand scheme. Your opening bars really Set The Bar High. Top tier! Did you capitalize on it, though? In hind sight, story wise? Soon you'll introduce the catalyst, "The Cat". IMO this is where you should've done that! You still could've scrapped it, the problem wasn't past fixing!
...I recall how things used to be
before lights buzzin, it was proof of bees
before night hunting, there was lucid dreams
before high sunscreen, I consumed the heat
Nice usage of repetition here. I'm starting to zone in here.
but now after the last attack...
I have to don masks to inhale the air
the ground is rock ash, pavement stale and bare
soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to hit the road
Solid. What I underlined could've really been reimagined. For example:

soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to singe and roast

soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to crisp to gold

The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed
radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead
Effective and efficient wording right there.
between the rate at which the infection spread
or the states solution to escape ahead
Wha?
and the great pollution that infiltrates breath
Sets stays of execution in painted lead
Some more poorly worded choice of words, encased in solid ideas.
canvas that easel in handprints of people
Well worded, but irrelevant to the Cat and Back story
dead, decayed and engulfed in damages left
except....me and this blasted cat
"Blasted Cat" I liked that. Good way to create an identity/personality that correlates with the picture well.
facts, in a landscape of grey reaching heights
skyscraping God's feet, I begin to rise
trying to find…air, so clean I can breathe
but this cat mocks me, staying to my side
My own Siamese, she’s one step behind
in my tracks and when I am set to climb…
She arches her back and attacks
clawing to scratch, calling me back
She opens me up, hissing and ripping
Fire!
purring and hurting, exposing my blood
to the unclean, I feel the contagion
penetrating the sunscreen, oh fuck me!
lol!
I bravely reach for the next highest beam
My eyelids beat me down, flex violently
She meows, I act vexed decidedly
to drown her sound out to an island breeze
Did you snuff out the cat???
countdown zero hour, and finally free
sitting by myself on the highest beam
inhaling cigarettes trying to breathe
dying of cat scratch fever from the ether
my heartbeats for her, my siamese
Good ending. I just now noticed that "The Cigarettes" is sort of like a volleying foreshadowing into Mike Wrecka's verse. You definitely immersed yourself in this one, brady. My only gripe is you could've mentioned that cat earlier, would've catapulted the piece a little further IMO. Maybe add a title? But, all in all, this was a good example of BREVITY. Nice work, E.

MIKE WRECKA

Pondering things, with the only friend I have left , wheezing and gasping as I gather my breath ,
the smoke I inhale exudes a lavender scent , as I’m waiting to die a most spectacular death,
all I have is regrets and this cat as my pet , was given a second chance before I became trapped in this debt,
the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice,
the debt collectors hunters are deployed at night , forced to quit my job as a chef to avoid their like
Avoid their like?

Avoid their strifes?
Avoid their gripes?
Avoid their ? Otherwise, top notch intro right there.

lungs feel like they’ve been stabbed with a poison knife, had a surgery but can’t afford for them perform it twice,
received an organ donation from my former wife, but a new respiratory system couldn’t transform my life ,
ya I was warned alright but I just kept chain smoking, despite the carcinogens my airways stayed open,
but eventually they also too became broken , now when they mention my name it’s only words of shame that are spoken,
I started to pray hoping that would provide some relief, but these days I’m running low on my supply of belief ,
used to serve dumplings with sauce and a side of dried beef, now I’m just a criminal trying to stay alive in these streets ,
used to serve dumplings with sauce and a WASABI J/K! LOL! JK JK JK JK LOL
in my condition it’s not so easy to survive as a thief, so I sit amongst the neon signs and try to retreat ,
often chased by police, I hide and they seek, no longer welcome in places frequented by the elite,
my doctors applied a technique, that I paid for through a loan, a cybernetic implant, that was glued to my bones,
it releases nano bots, that when deployed have been shown , to greatly slow the spread of any cancers that are soon to be grown,
but I failed to make the payments so one afternoon in my home , they came and ripped it from my chest to the tune of my groans ,
but I still owe the lenders, the total has to be paid, hiding from my arrears is becoming harder to fathom these days ,
the street levels too dangerous , when I’m there I go into spasms afraid, so that’s why I usually choose to travel this way,
traverse from girder to girder, stop to rest on the beams, and bask in the glow of the cities luminous screams,
the truth is obscene, despite lacking oxygen, my addiction is too strong so I keep letting toxins in ,
looking down at the ground beneath my dangling moccasins, sparks begin to fly as steel workers are busy soldering,
Fire!
I feel dizzy the cities spinning as I think of opportunities wasted, and despite all the lights this communities fading,
I release from this beam and all of the sounds around me cease, as I fall in silence I have finally found my peace
Your ending was a little anticlimactic, I think Rawn JUST edged you there.

OVERALL

Battle of the week. ALMOST a toss up! There styles/verses complimented each other. Ultimately, I felt Mike Wrecka was more adhered to his concept. Dope battle! MVGT MIKE WRECKA

08-10-2022, 05:26 PM	#14
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	NBL STYLE VOTE @Mike Wrecka @Rawn MD *RAWN MD* Countdown to zero hour Earth crushing steel devours Fire! from bread baskets to stealing flour states Rays up to stake their power jockying Plaice to Skate or Flounder left us Flat Fishin’ in problems past fixin Nah! I liked the concept of "Stake the power", though. The rest is iffy in the grand scheme. Your opening bars really Set The Bar High. Top tier! Did you capitalize on it, though? In hind sight, story wise? Soon you'll introduce the catalyst, "The Cat". IMO this is where you should've done that! You still could've scrapped it, the problem wasn't past fixing! ...I recall how things used to be before lights buzzin, it was proof of bees before night hunting, there was lucid dreams before high sunscreen, I consumed the heat Nice usage of repetition here. I'm starting to zone in here. but now after the last attack... I have to don masks to inhale the air the ground is rock ash, pavement stale and bare soil blisters with boils if I been exposed uncoil the tinfoil just to hit the road Solid. What I underlined could've really been reimagined. For example: soil blisters with boils if I been exposed uncoil the tinfoil just to singe and roast soil blisters with boils if I been exposed uncoil the tinfoil just to crisp to gold The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead *Effective and efficient wording right there.* between the rate at which the infection spread or the states solution to escape ahead *Wha?* and the great pollution that infiltrates breath Sets stays of execution in painted lead *Some more poorly worded choice of words, encased in solid ideas.* canvas that easel in handprints of people *Well worded, but irrelevant to the Cat and Back story* dead, decayed and engulfed in damages left except....me and this blasted cat *"Blasted Cat" I liked that. Good way to create an identity/personality that correlates with the picture well.* facts, in a landscape of grey reaching heights skyscraping God's feet, I begin to rise trying to find…air, so clean I can breathe but this cat mocks me, staying to my side My own Siamese, she’s one step behind in my tracks and when I am set to climb… She arches her back and attacks clawing to scratch, calling me back She opens me up, hissing and ripping *Fire!* purring and hurting, exposing my blood to the unclean, I feel the contagion penetrating the sunscreen, oh fuck me! *lol!* I bravely reach for the next highest beam My eyelids beat me down, flex violently She meows, I act vexed decidedly to drown her sound out to an island breeze *Did you snuff out the cat???* countdown zero hour, and finally free sitting by myself on the highest beam inhaling cigarettes trying to breathe dying of cat scratch fever from the ether my heartbeats for her, my siamese Good ending. I just now noticed that "The Cigarettes" is sort of like a volleying foreshadowing into Mike Wrecka's verse. You definitely immersed yourself in this one, brady. My only gripe is you could've mentioned that cat earlier, would've catapulted the piece a little further IMO. Maybe add a title? But, all in all, this was a good example of BREVITY. Nice work, E. *MIKE WRECKA* Pondering things, with the only friend I have left , wheezing and gasping as I gather my breath , the smoke I inhale exudes a lavender scent , as I’m waiting to die a most spectacular death, all I have is regrets and this cat as my pet , was given a second chance before I became trapped in this debt, the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice, the debt collectors hunters are deployed at night , forced to quit my job as a chef to avoid their like Avoid their like? Avoid their strifes? Avoid their gripes? Avoid their ? Otherwise, top notch intro right there. lungs feel like they’ve been stabbed with a poison knife, had a surgery but can’t afford for them perform it twice, received an organ donation from my former wife, but a new respiratory system couldn’t transform my life , ya I was warned alright but I just kept chain smoking, despite the carcinogens my airways stayed open, but eventually they also too became broken , now when they mention my name it’s only words of shame that are spoken, I started to pray hoping that would provide some relief, but these days I’m running low on my supply of belief , used to serve dumplings with sauce and a side of dried beef, now I’m just a criminal trying to stay alive in these streets , *used to serve dumplings with sauce and a WASABI J/K! LOL! JK JK JK JK LOL* in my condition it’s not so easy to survive as a thief, so I sit amongst the neon signs and try to retreat , often chased by police, I hide and they seek, no longer welcome in places frequented by the elite, my doctors applied a technique, that I paid for through a loan, a cybernetic implant, that was glued to my bones, it releases nano bots, that when deployed have been shown , to greatly slow the spread of any cancers that are soon to be grown, but I failed to make the payments so one afternoon in my home , they came and ripped it from my chest to the tune of my groans , but I still owe the lenders, the total has to be paid, hiding from my arrears is becoming harder to fathom these days , the street levels too dangerous , when I’m there I go into spasms afraid, so that’s why I usually choose to travel this way, traverse from girder to girder, stop to rest on the beams, and bask in the glow of the cities luminous screams, the truth is obscene, despite lacking oxygen, my addiction is too strong so I keep letting toxins in , looking down at the ground beneath my dangling moccasins, sparks begin to fly as steel workers are busy soldering, *Fire!* I feel dizzy the cities spinning as I think of opportunities wasted, and despite all the lights this communities fading, I release from this beam and all of the sounds around me cease, as I fall in silence I have finally found my peace *Your ending was a little anticlimactic, I think Rawn JUST edged you there.* *OVERALL* Battle of the week. ALMOST a toss up! There styles/verses complimented each other. Ultimately, I felt Mike Wrecka was more adhered to his concept. Dope battle! MVGT MIKE WRECKA __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 08-10-2022 at 05:29 PM.