[Universe]

Rawn MD:

Rawn, you're improving every week. This was your best verse yet in almost every category... I still had my issues with it but I thought this was a fairly fresh take on a tough topic. I thought you found just the right balance between story and metaphorical allusions, culminating with the cat and the "cat scratch fever" reference at the end.

I liked the world you set up here. I really wanted to know what the "attack" was that caused this though... It didn't need to be stated, but I was genuinely curious because I got real Deus Ex/Cyberpunk vibes from this. A kind of steel, heat-treated city where people live amongst the girders or wherever they can. The sunscreen references were cool as well, and it got me thinking that maybe the ozone layer broke down and people have been burnt alive and seeking refuge within the confines and protection of our last remaining steel/cement infused cities...

As you can see my imagination is running away here lol, but that's all because you planted these seeds in my head and that's a real positive for any writer... Let the reader do the busy work. Just set the stage.

Now in terms of technical aspects, I thought the flow was great as always and you really smoothed out most of the rough edges that were present in your past weeks. Had some original wordplay with the :"Jockeying Plaice/Flounder" line... Very cool.

Also, on a side note, I think I'd actually prefer a little MORE words from you, your flow can afford it, and sometimes its almost TOO concise. Give me more detail and really let me sink my teeth into your bars.

The cat is so interesting to me... What does it represent? Could be interpreted so many ways and I love that you left it semi-open ended. I thought it was cool that you used the cat to 'ground' your character, not letting him climb to the heights he desires with this cat constantly needling him... His Siamese. I'm thinking it represents some sort of guilt that wont let him forget about it or escape it? Something he did? Or maybe it was something he didn't do... In any case it's interesting and got me thinking. Definitely a cool interpretation of the topic. Got to be careful though.. Leaving your ideas too loosely tied and they can fall through the hole into the 'this was actually no idea at all' land. You walked the tightrope though.

So yeah, overall a leap forward for you here my friend. I enjoyed this. Thought it was creative and read well and really had some nice imagery sprinkled in. You set the stage and made a dark yet vibrant world for us to get lost in for just a short while.

Thanks for the vacay.


Mike Wrecka:

Your multi's stand out immediately; You drive us straight into the rhyme scheme with no easing into it or warm up lines and that's appreciated by me for sure. It requires forethought and planning. Also, these multi's are relevant, which is tough to do but you string it all together nicely and balance it with an even flow. I'm liking the story angle, focusing on the cigarette and his cancer more than, say, the cat, and it makes sense narratively. I think I pre-fur it? Sorry...

I felt in the middle sections the flow started to fall off a little. Bit long-winded here and there with excess syllables throwing things off. But that's a nitpick in the overall scope of things as your multi's are strong and they never lose their relevancy, which helps push the story along.

The nanobots plot point is super strong... Cyber kinetics. This is the way of the future with dealing with our health issues for sure. Again, I'm getting a Deus Ex/Cyberpunk vibe here and it's kind of cool you two went down this same path. The imagery here is, again... really good. And you both kept me in this world, totally absorbed. I honestly think this could've even been a collab... I felt like I was reading two different chapters from the same story. Rawn focused on the cat metaphor within this world; Mike focused on the cigarette and the nanobots approach... within the same world lol. Both verses were RICH in detail and I honestly really liked both of them.

Rawn had better flow. Mike had better multi's and rhyme schemes. The stories were both very cool and I'd call it a tie. This just comes down to personal preference...

I think I'm going to favor the more direct approach here. I really like Mike's nanobots angle and his augmentations getting ripped out from lack of payments then going on the run, eventually hiding in the steel girders above the city. Although I also enjoyed Rawn's cat metaphor, I think the difference for me here is Mike answered my questions WITHIN the narrative he built while Rawn left me wondering... Which was dope too but I think it takes a little more skill to actually provide the answers while maintaining a multi-rich rhyme scheme.

SO close though. Thanks for the journey, fellas.

Vote: Mike Wrecka