Halo,
This is definitely the best I've read from you in terms of staying focussed and building up a character and a story over the course of the piece, - nice one. The details about your character's eating habits really brought him to life for me. Cool little story with a dark twist. You were about as good as you've been mechanically too so it was cool to see that didn't really take a hit. Your vocab and imagery weren't as good as usual but it's hard to have everything. I'm not really clear on the connection to the topic? Quite possibly because I'm a dummy and I need to have my hand held and be led to it, but, oh well. I enjoyed the verse, good stuff.
Franky boi,
Thought this was pretty dope man. Even aside from the cute little wordplays in the closing bar/s this story fit the topic neatly. Your style is interesting to me. Every other writer I've seen whose writing is obviously very rhyme-driven loses the narrative or just folds in a bunch of dull filler, but you turn a rhyme centric approach into a strength. Your multis serve to build your characters or paint the scene with interesting details. In other verses I've had slight gripes with decisions you've had to make re wording vs rhymes - nothing really terrible or egregious but just things like grammar that's not quiiite right or some slightly awkward phrasing here and there, but all that was pretty minimal in this verse. Cool.
v/ Frank
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The Bad Guys
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