This was a good battle, you both had strong points and some lows.
Rawn -
I liked your verse, but I’m really confused with how the character’s past had anything to do with the latter stuff with the sharks and what not, him draining this pond was surely metaphorical so the best that I could make of it was these sharks were metaphorical for the bad people Geoff used to be around and he’s metaphorically “draining the swamp?” That’s what your pieces are lacking for me, they’ve got the whimsical aspect down Pat, you set a scene very well and build your characters good as well but like I said nothing really happened in my opinion, or nothing I could tell because the narrative was kinda loose. I didn’t enjoy several aspects of your verse though
“ depraved.
He could feel the air tense, as they circled round each way
Geof foresaw this, deep in his drawing of drowned seascapes.
They'd smelt his foul stench, his flesh, his thoughts clouded his brain”
Nice
Master Rock:
I already spoke with Rawn about this and he didn’t want the DQ (which is admirable) you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO EDIT YOUR VERSE AFTER BOTH WRITERS DROP, it gives you an unfair advantage if you’re constantly going back tweaking after the deadline. With that being said, this is probably your best verse of the season and definitely the most fleshed out, I liked the metaphorical aspect of everything, relating love to the sea is a pretty old concept but you went about it well here, the shiver me timbers part threw me off a little. Weird to throw pirate lingo into a poem. Anyways, the left turn you took at the end with the sharks attacking kind of jarred me first read, I wasn’t expecting it, you did a great job placing imagery and I guess there’s a lesson to be learned here, as beautiful as memories can be, they also have teeth. The run on sentenceish bars could have been broken up better. Otherwise Great work
Although this should have been a DQ I will hand it to Master Rock he showed up this week with his best verse of the season, awesome work to both
V /MR
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