RAWN MD
Sketchy verse... There was this element of shiestyness to it: as well as, this element of "whimsicalness." My main gripe is...these two elements didn't really mesh real well together. The element of "shiestyness" was like this oil spilling. In a sense, because the content matter was slicker and grimier and heavier.
(Ex: Delayed In A Stall, Pass As Food, etc etc.) While the Whimsicalness element was like a Water: refreshing & pure & innocent. (Ex: Drawing The Seascape, Painting And Drawing, etc) When you combined these two elements together, without sufficiently mixing them properly, it just didn't settle right.
The verse kinder teeter tottered between a tale of playing the victim and some tale of some little kids imagination running wild.
The vibe was kind of Bob Ross, one minute, Federal Watch, the next. You never circled around to make sure all of your elements co-existed.
I like the name Geoffrey, cause it's similar to Greg/Gregory and that allows you tell his personal story behind the visage of a moniker. Also because "Geoffrey" "G - Off" (Out Of Jail, Beating The Case). Clever, also intentional, because you refer to the character as G & "Geoff".
After analyzing this bit, a bit further, it does appear that your elements could've worked together in hindsight "IF" you had had other elements helping out. Don't get me wrong: Your verses premise is hard body, but the content was just baby buns. That juxtaposition made it read awkwardly. If I had to nitpick, pet peeve of mine... I don't like how you mentioned land animals. "A Lion Amongst Cheetahs." Why not a Shark Amongst Piranha? A Flounder amongst Snappers? A Shrimp amongst King Fish? The point is
(SPEAR POINT) This picture called for more Water World references. Maybe it could a be a Lion Fish or a tiger shark? I'm just skimming the surface really. This verse left a lot to be desired. There is so much more you could've done with it. You drew from a personal experience, but it was just a chummy rehashing. Your interpretation of the picture was abstract and metaphorically enough, you just didn't hook the reader. And at the end of the day, I couldn't really sink my teeth into it.
Quote:
Sink or swim, Geoffry crept in the frenzy proud and trained
pulled his plunger, and got wet emptying out the drain.
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Hmmmm. Your verse didn't really portray a sense of pride to me. If he was so PROUD: The reader would've saw him beaming from the lighthouse or radiating it with SPF 17 etc. Is the last line jail talk or just what it sounds like? All in all, Rawnold, your conceptual prowess is still on point: you just didn't immerse yourself enough into this Geoff character enough to reel me in.
You're still getting your sea legs.
MASTER ROCK
Wow. Heh. Wishy-Washy: The stream-of-consciousness style was a big hit or miss with this picture. I thought that Master Rock played it really safe and attacked this pic in the most obvious way. The formatting and structuring almost erodes away here. Your avatar really deserves a more aesthetically pleasing verse to go along side it: don't you think? One of the Sharks really ought to PUNCTUATE your verse for you. The structure and formatting looks like an actual dorsal fin. You gotta kinda sentimental/vulnerable with this pic (Depths Of Her Concaves, Those Are Our Babies) I thought that was cool, but risky, all else considering. A lot of the verse sounded like gibberish. I found that to be part of the charm of it. It mirrored the oceanic context and submerged the audience into your Man Poem. Whatever floats your boat. You definitely bled your heart out and left the waves a rose colored mess. It was a very choppy read, to say the least. Honestly, this verse was lovely, really. I enjoyed it, the way maybe a a drunken sailor would. My only real critique here is, ground your verse with more of a solid foundation before venturing out.
Overall
RAWN MD and MASTER ROCK both excelled, where they each faltered. I gotta give it to Master Rock for a much more engaging submission, this round.