Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK FOURTEEN: DEAD MAN (2-1) vs ACTIVATE SELF (0-1) DEAD MAN WINS VIA NS OPEN FOR FEED

Universe · 07-29-2022, 09:41 AM

dead man

This was like reading a spin off rhyming version of Mystic River, but with a noire vibe attached to it. I love that you infused a narrative this week and I hope you continue down this path going forward because you really shine when you're focused.

This was a dark but intriguing tale of childhood friends that grew up together and are now doing some dark shit as adults. I got the vibe that they are dirty cops, all on the same force? Or maybe they just had fake badges for some jobs they did... Regardless, how they dealt with the betrayal at the end with Joe flipping on them after getting pinched himself, although necessary, was tragic and brutal. Couple this with the regret that is laced and expertly intertwined throughout the verse from the protagonist's perspective and you have a masterfully constructed verse from start to finish.

Only critical feedback I can give that would be helpful would be to really focus in on your story and add more detail. Fine tune things. I wanted more PLOT. The only way to beat you is with a strong story and if you can really add that to your repertoire you will be nearly unbeatable.

Your characters are strong because of the emotion you build inside them through internal narration, and your willingness to let the reader draw their own conclusions with JUST enough information to point us down a path, but with an outright refusal to hold our hands while we walk down it, is so dead man-esque and done so brilliantly it is almost a sub-genre that you own the exclusive rights to.

Maybe this is why I always want more... maybe that's the point...

Anyway, you really are a marvel, my friend. I'm literally a dead man mark and proud of it. This is writing at its highest calibre... rhyming be damned. It's just icing on the cake that it rhymes, really. This is something beyond what we do. It's why you stand out... scratch that, "out" isn't the right word.

"Above" is.

"we whispered to ourselves, over and over again
crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin
choking up our sentences
our jokes, our incentives. but
we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says
and its true. we realized it
when we opened that chest, expecting gold
and found a set of headstones with our postal address
oh, boy. what a mess
we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence
part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors
part-time mules, full time motion detectors"

Beautiful stuff.

07-29-2022, 09:41 AM	#6
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	dead man This was like reading a spin off rhyming version of Mystic River, but with a noire vibe attached to it. I love that you infused a narrative this week and I hope you continue down this path going forward because you really shine when you're focused. This was a dark but intriguing tale of childhood friends that grew up together and are now doing some dark shit as adults. I got the vibe that they are dirty cops, all on the same force? Or maybe they just had fake badges for some jobs they did... Regardless, how they dealt with the betrayal at the end with Joe flipping on them after getting pinched himself, although necessary, was tragic and brutal. Couple this with the regret that is laced and expertly intertwined throughout the verse from the protagonist's perspective and you have a masterfully constructed verse from start to finish. Only critical feedback I can give that would be helpful would be to really focus in on your story and add more detail. Fine tune things. I wanted more PLOT. The only way to beat you is with a strong story and if you can really add that to your repertoire you will be nearly unbeatable. Your characters are strong because of the emotion you build inside them through internal narration, and your willingness to let the reader draw their own conclusions with JUST enough information to point us down a path, but with an outright refusal to hold our hands while we walk down it, is so dead man-esque and done so brilliantly it is almost a sub-genre that you own the exclusive rights to. Maybe this is why I always want more... maybe that's the point... Anyway, you really are a marvel, my friend. I'm literally a dead man mark and proud of it. This is writing at its highest calibre... rhyming be damned. It's just icing on the cake that it rhymes, really. This is something beyond what we do. It's why you stand out... scratch that, "out" isn't the right word. "Above" is. "we whispered to ourselves, over and over again crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin choking up our sentences our jokes, our incentives. but we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says and its true. we realized it when we opened that chest, expecting gold and found a set of headstones with our postal address oh, boy. what a mess we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors part-time mules, full time motion detectors" Beautiful stuff. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..