[Universe]

Rawn MD

I immediately don't like where this is going... "Geoffrey grew up a G" just doesn't seem to have a place in this topic and I hope we don't continue down this path but let's see... Okay, so gets a little better in terms of staying on topic... I mean, a little. Your phrasing is awkward, my dude. You're dropping multi's which is appreciated but they seem forced and don't read naturally - There is no point to multi's if you sacrifice clarity... NONE. I'll take clarity over forced technique all day. But that said, your flow is nice and when you DO come across loud and clear to the reader you flash BRIGHT... Problem is whenever you do it's usually followed up by more wording issues.

You're an intelligent dude, I can tell just by reading this. But I think a little more thought and editing could go into your verses. You owe that to yourself and to your ideas. They are begging to be given more depth because they have so much potential.

The story here is just so mediocre, man. It's so basic. This topic should lead us in tons of interesting directions but everything you're doing in the first half is just surface level material. I think overall this piece does pick up at the end A LOT and you started ro find your groove but it was too little too late, imo. I get the metaphorical approach to your story but I just wasn't invested in it at all. I didn't care about Geoffrey and I should have. It would've made the strong ending so much better.

Rawn, I felt disconnected reading this at the start. I understood what you were going for with the Pier/Peer wordplay (which in and of itself is just a played af wordplay concept) but to base your whole narrative on this was just a waste of the massive potential of this topic. I know this seems like a harsh critique but for someone who is a vet like you I expected more and this just sort of fell flat. Again, the ending was strong with some deep metaphors on display and good connections to the topic, but all of it lay upon the shaky foundation you placed it on and it just didn't hold up.

So overall, great flow with some flashes and cool lines/concepts but they were too few and far between and stacked on top of a clumsily built narrative with no real driving force behind it. Wording choices were below average in the beginning but vastly improved near the end. I think if you would've carried that ending vibe throughout the entire piece and added some unique twists and turns this would've been much better. Great, even.

I think your voting and breakdowns are spot on though so just use some of that knowledge and apply it to your own verses going forward. I think you're still shaking off the rust... but that ending showed some great signs for the future.


Master Rock

Is it just me or does this piece lack a beginning? I felt like I was dropped into a verse that had halfway run its course already.. I was thrown for a loop immediately and struggled to absorb myself into it for awhile. Some wording choices were... strange... "shivering me timbers" and "break her into splitters" were the worst offenders. You have a thoughtful style, Rock... always have. But it only works if you allow your verse to breathe a little. The harder you try to guide it the worse it usually comes off... Your strong suit is flowing naturally like a stream and letting your deep concepts and ideas take over. I felt this was just forced in the beginning. Presentation was jarring as well.

Relation to the topic was more on point than Rawn's though and definitely had some cool moments in the middle section. I enjoyed all the water metaphors because even though they were on the nose, you just flowed into them so well that it all seemed so profound - This verse, when it worked, was like taking a dip in a natural spring... so cool and refreshing. That said, your wording choices were off here and there throughout, some repeating words ("spray" used twice in one line?) left a bad taste in my mouth.

Also, as stated, I didn't really like your presentation in the beginning... just seemed clunky with no real direction. But when you switched it up you started to hit your groove...

"sail me down, your everywhere, but in the middle... I'm free"

Definitely reflects your style as well. You are SO good when you free yourself. Did you mean "you're" everywhere though? I suppose "your everywhere" can still work in a sense...

As I said, the switch up of flow worked and read much better. You should've written the entire piece like this. The ending had a nice touch, with some emotional impact and related to the topic nicely. Both of your endings did, actually. But I felt Rock's was more organic and had prior signs and set ups while Rawn's kind of just changed out of nowhere after stumbling out of the gates. I think that's the main difference here.

I think flow and presentation-wise I would definitely favor Rawn but in terms of level of depth (which this topic was begging for) narrative, and unique connection to the topic Master Rock gets this hands down. I just love his emotional resonance and he usually travels so deep with his thoughts it really let's the reader disappear into his work. That's the difference here. Rawn is a volcano though, BRIMMING with potential... and about to blow.

But for now...

Vote: Master Rock