Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK FOURTEEN CONTENDERS: FRANK (7-2) VS BROKENHAL0 (7-5) FRANK WINS 4-0

Universe · 07-27-2022, 11:53 AM

brokenhal0

Not going to lie, I read Frank's verse first because, well... I wanted to. And after doing so, the technical differences between the two are glaring. Don't get me wrong, you had some GREAT lines and moments, hal0... but they were interlaced with long-winded bars and awkward rhyme schemes that really threw me off while reading. When you were on, it read smooth and took me by surprise - But the jumping back n' forth between coherent and belligerent was jarring.

Frank's verse was just so bang-on it made this one seem VASTLY off-topic, even though it really wasn't. It strayed off course, of course, but always stayed within the realm of what you were trying to accomplish. The problem is Frank literally did everything so much better it's hard to give you any credit.

You do deserve it though because, standing on it's own this is a cool piece... although the ending felt rushed - You literally crammed everything into like 4 bars and it lessened the impact of his death and everything else he was ultimately haunted by, but... I don't know... You just ran into a monster here... and I just can't unsee it.

I did enjoy this journey though, for what its worth.

Frank

This was a tough topic but you handled it about as well as anyone could. The same repeating words issue is prevalent here once again but I almost didn't care this time; I honestly thought this was terrific top to bottom. You actually had a solid narrative here and when mixed and matched with your eccentric style it actually gave it a nice pace. Some of these bars flew off the screen and just were a God damn joy to experience. You had some clever lines that constantly related back to the topic and kept the reader in tune with what you were doing.

This was like reading a Dennis Lehane prohibition era novel that rhymed... It was just so damn engrossing and I loved it.

I glanced at the topic picture when I was done and was like, "Yup, I just read THE piece that this belongs to". There is no way around it, sometimes a topic just finds a home and you definitely gave it one here.

Great work.

Vote: Frank

07-27-2022, 11:53 AM	#4
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	brokenhal0 Not going to lie, I read Frank's verse first because, well... I wanted to. And after doing so, the technical differences between the two are glaring. Don't get me wrong, you had some GREAT lines and moments, hal0... but they were interlaced with long-winded bars and awkward rhyme schemes that really threw me off while reading. When you were on, it read smooth and took me by surprise - But the jumping back n' forth between coherent and belligerent was jarring. Frank's verse was just so bang-on it made this one seem VASTLY off-topic, even though it really wasn't. It strayed off course, of course, but always stayed within the realm of what you were trying to accomplish. The problem is Frank literally did everything so much better it's hard to give you any credit. You do deserve it though because, standing on it's own this is a cool piece... although the ending felt rushed - You literally crammed everything into like 4 bars and it lessened the impact of his death and everything else he was ultimately haunted by, but... I don't know... You just ran into a monster here... and I just can't unsee it. I did enjoy this journey though, for what its worth. Frank This was a tough topic but you handled it about as well as anyone could. The same repeating words issue is prevalent here once again but I almost didn't care this time; I honestly thought this was terrific top to bottom. You actually had a solid narrative here and when mixed and matched with your eccentric style it actually gave it a nice pace. Some of these bars flew off the screen and just were a God damn joy to experience. You had some clever lines that constantly related back to the topic and kept the reader in tune with what you were doing. This was like reading a Dennis Lehane prohibition era novel that rhymed... It was just so damn engrossing and I loved it. I glanced at the topic picture when I was done and was like, "Yup, I just read THE piece that this belongs to". There is no way around it, sometimes a topic just finds a home and you definitely gave it one here. Great work. Vote: Frank __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..