Eviction
Par for the course. Great technical skill on display but at the end of the day you just don't know how to tell a story, man. You set it up... sort of, at the beginning, but not really. Then you show off with some flashy rhyme schemes in the middle to pad it out, then you end with your point - But it comes out of nowhere usually and wasn't properly alluded to or built toward. Not in any meaningful way anyway. The concept is cool enough but you can't save your story for the final few bars and call it a night. Just doesn't work for me in a narrative sense... The connecting tissue is too loose or non-existent; It's all padding with a few lines of story. Just doesn't work for me but I'm sure others are cool with it.
But man you had some killer sections:
"
The poor get brainwashed, we’re not cut from the same cloth.
With this chaos that’s on my shoulder, no wonder I put weight on.
The flames caused irreparable damage. I can't act like it won’t occur.
The point of no return, your life-altering moment is their motion blur."
- That last part was whew.
"
Like I expect accolades for acting brave, every act gains a purple heart.
If that’s the case, I’ll get an early start, me and you are worlds apart,
While being close in distance, because you expect a service charge,
Being persistent, and working hard, should never feel like urban art."
- DOPE.
So yeah this was an impressive verse but the narrative took a backseat here as it always does... Look, you have enough sizzle to make people pay attention to your writing, despite how annoying you are as a person, so just... focus on writing going forward.. Please? It's the best advice I can give you. You have to realize that the people you piss off on a daily basis with your endless trolling and chest thumping are the ones that you depend on for actually voting for you and giving you your precious W's. So unless you enjoy paddling up a waterfall every week, stfu and just WRITE... it's strong enough that it is all you ever have to say.
NYCSpitz
First off, congrats on last week... I'm still reeling from my first topical loss in... I don't know how long and I didn't know how to behave afterwards because losing is so foreign to me. I did some stupid things as a result... things I'm not proud of... including flying to New York and doing... stuff to people. But after conversing with my lawyer/therapist I've decided to come clean... Below is ACTUAL footage of me attempting to do so.
I'm better now.
Okay, WHEW... Here we go. So you pretty much went in the direction the topic dictated but you did it well, hitting some truly touching emotional tones throughout. I have a 2 and half year old daughter so a lot of this hit me right in the feels... I also like how it seemed to continue off of Eviction's piece like a cypher, completely coincidental but it still read well. I think technically you weren't as refined as last week, where you were pretty much flawless because, well... you had to be... (shameless plug)... but it still was done well enough overall. Although "fully a fool and bully at school" came off... awkward. I know 'bully' is tough to rhyme to but c'mon bro, this was beneath you... Just shelve the multi at that point.
The Kate section was really well done. Nothing spectacular but just an overall solid verse from top to bottom, hitting all the right notes while keeping things technically sound and comfortable. This was as grown up as a verse gets around here and it was nice to read. A breath of fresh air amidst the carnage, really.
I think this battle is basically an adult vs. a child, which is ironic considering the topic...
I'm not going to quote anything specific because I think your entire piece has to be digested as a whole, and it works best when it is uniform and not broken apart. No section in particular reached the heights of Eviction's best bars but it didn't have to and that was not what you were shooting for here. You told an emotionally compelling story that pulled us in immediately and never let go...
Now if you excuse me, I have to return some videotapes...
Vote:
NYCSpitz