[Sharp]

priorities are flustered, better take them meds for real
I put netflix on when the girls round, while he video embeds n chills
this is light, but funny
Fat cunt melts in the sun, not a fuss here for em
tips for a heatwave? back in the basement n pray for a reply in discussion forum
same as above, except doing less
try n plan ya day, gotta be some fun u need
Now his action plan is lunch? or write another topical verse noones gonna read
pretty lazy
Never paid rent, n when the fam pass his luck will stray
Not just saying he has noone
But if Eviction notice ya front door, better move the fuck away
great concept but lacking in execution

When the 50 comes I have to hide the weed, & some shit I won't specify.
When the 50 comes for you, that's too many L's and you step aside.
a nitpick: 5-0 and not 50 for cops. This is potentially a passable bar but the punch is so light. Imo it should build into something and the way you have it structed fails to do that. You put the 'reveal' of your wp like 2/3 of the way through and didn't do anything with it after. Not saying you strictly can't structure a bar like that, but if you're going to give away a punch early there should be a point imo

Here's my attempt at rewording it, trying to put the punch at the end

5-0 came for me, blah blah blah get tossed
When 5-0 came for you, it was ANOTHER fucking loss

The concept isn't great but the execution could be better on something like this. I think of it as telling a joke and you gave away the joke almost immediately with calling the cops '50' and again halfway through the punchline


Your bitch fucking you for what? like she's simping for some whack skeet.
You dodge challengers and act like your bitch, when you take the back seat.
dodge challengers is an OK wp. I think you're trying to do too much with this though. The setup is so confusing... Is it a bar about him not getting laid? Dodge challengers really has nothing to do with the bar/punch

Shit' I almost no-showed, if they said I'm ducking you, that's sure pitiful.
It's not running, if you caught me slipping it's because you're that forgettable.
this is kind of making an excuse... It's good that you have a relevant concept but the punch isn't really anything crazy. Again, it's like a joke, and your punchline reveals nothing here
Another L should put him down for good, how long we gotta be zipping his body?
You champed time to kill, what's the opposite of that when you're getting the homi?.
this wording is incomprehensible. I'm sorry man
whatever
why put this?



Finished. I hope I'm not coming off as nitpicking dia, I'm just trying to give thorough feedback in the name of helping. Defs verse is visibly no effort, looking forward to seeing what he does if he tries. Def punches connected better

V/defiant