LMAO I thought this pic looked kind of cute and wholesome but both of you morose fucks made it into something sad.
Adverse,
The pic didn't give you a whole lot to work with in terms of story, but I thought what you came up with was pretty cool and creative. The 'ghost that can't move on until killer is apprehended' idea was cool enough as a premise, but the extra layer of the character feeling unseen and forgotten by her family bc the lack of closure was too painful for them to want to think about her gave this some emotional depth. Poor little Ruby Sue indeed. Mechanically there was a little room for improvement here. It wasn't bad, I just mean there were a few places where the rhythm was lost and I felt like it could have been fixed with a bit of tweaking. The last stanza was really good in this respect though. Some favourite individual lines:
Her ghastly white skin fails to bronze in the California sun
Her family stopped setting a place for her at holiday dinners
Like knowing her was a burden they never seek to be reminded of
Master Rock,
Wow, you showed! I'm glad. It feels like every week you don't really have time to write to your full potential and you give us something you penned quickly just to give us SOMETHING. Which is cool. A lot of people would just no show, myself probably included. It's nice to have your participation even if we can't have the best of you. The last verse of yours I remember that had some real effort shown was that one against Halo where you went with a more abstract approach. You write emotion quite well, so I'm always kinda hoping for a polished verse from you with an emotionally charged topic. One of these days I'm sure. This one, like many of your others, had flashes of brilliance but felt very incomplete and unpolished. Mechanics is probably your weakest point, - you're writing borderline poetry here dawg. This art form is supposed to be rhythm and rhymes. Anyway, these lines stood out to me most:
I feel the drips burning as the rain gently weeps
^ thought that was an interesting line
looked for heaven out my window and all I felt was the wind blow
^nice
Adverse takes this fairly handily
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The Bad Guys
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