Yeah, so this was a sight to behold.
Dead man,
I agree with what Universe said about your connections to the topic being a tad bit loose at times, but I think you did a great job capturing the mania of this character (well I think you both did but I’ll get to Frank later.) the things you articulate, the way you put your words is all on your own and I think you have a style that would be impossible to mimic. I know most of your stories you write probably aren’t even based on reality but you make us feel them like they are, its easy to find relatable ground in your work. There’s such a sense of ease, the flow reads so smoothly and juxtaposes to the content well in that way. This feels effortless for you anymore, you just sail right through it when the rest of us are flailing our arms against the current trying to stay alive. Great work, my favorite section is:
“ fireside we fought a dragon. all behaviors automatic
addicts in a thoughtful panic. i escaped the fall, titanic
drowning in your own Atlantis. guess who's throwing water at it?
i've been taking shots and
tossing darts at you for target practice
zombie-eque your posture,
ghosts inside of your head
you'll be max, i'll be the monster
all the wild things are dead
nailgun nocturne, nighttime may it lull me asleep
nextdoor while spinal fluid leaks all over our sheets
you never knew until i left
how deep that it went
now i've left too many secrets
and you're bleeding to death.”
Frank:
You got creatively different here so kudos to that, like I said in my feedback of Black’s verse, the mania was captured well here especially with the use of capitals it was a messy read but it felt frantic, scared it added to the verse. Though I wonder if this is something you did deliberately or was just something you did while rushing your verse against the due date. I sort of enjoyed your narrative even though it was a rough read throughout. Usually your lines are overstuffed but this was ridiculous, you had multiple bars worth of content in one line. I didn’t like that and honestly this was your most tedious verse I’ve seen, before if you dropped some of the same words over and over I could deal with it but it just weighed on this piece a lot more than it should have. It honestly had me feeling fatigued at the end of it.
This wasn’t your best work and honestly was an annoying verse. Though there’s not technically anything against the rules about it it still shouldn’t count, it’s shitty to drop like this especially 1 minute before the due date when you’ve been MIA all week.
All in all I do think this was a good battle honestly but I couldn’t get over all the shit Frank did here, even if his verse didn’t have its glaring issues I still don’t think I would have liked it much compared to his other work.
Think dead man wins this fair and square without even considering the line limit debacle. This battle made me tired I’m sick of this battle it’s making me tired
/dead man
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