[NYCSPITZ]

Not sure how to vote on this. Dom’s verse was dope but 1/4 undone, then he let DM post 249328 hours late, very strange to vote on something like this.

DOM: I like how you start at the end, the chronological shifts of this nature usually are dope to me when executed correctly. You executed it pretty well in fact, but I have a few questionz. I’m not sure what debt you’re referring to, it reads like he bet his life savings on poker and lost? Debt to the priest for smuggling him out? Debt to his daughter for leaving her alone in America? It also reads like he thinks he’s dying while being lowered into the cemetary hole, maybe that’s just basic instinct kicking in, but in your footnotes you allude to his escape through the tunnel…maybe you were making it intentionally ambiguous, I can dig that, I guess. Unless the priest and his crew were psychopath killers luring people in like that? It’s a dope story, well written but I just can’t grasp it firmly. The dialogue was real sparse and would sound better if you left out “he agreed” in this instance and just let the dialogue do the talking. But like overall it was dope man, I would’ve liked to see how it tied together with a finished product but it was nice of you to let dm post against your 75% verse. I think with a little cleaning up of concept and the final part it could’ve absolutely been a monster verse. Just like you said it seems like you didn’t have the time to turn it into a finished gem, but the skeleton of a real dope verse is there for sure.

DM not your flashiest verse but pretty raw and showed mastery of the language. It seemed a little odd to me that Seun’s sister’s fiance/bf is so invested in him without ever having met him. Like Grace finds him there, he’s all morose and cleans up Seun’s OD death vomit, and then reminisces that hard about dude, he must have a serious pathology with the numinosity of the lover archetype, seems like a very overly sentimental dude. tho the fiance is slightly unrealistic to me as a character you had your usual streaks of beautiful verbiage (dancing with angels, nostalgic endearment) and painted a sick picture of the precocious kid who ODed (yo gimme a second) in few words, not many can do that. Fixie bicycle, had to look that up, sick line…ending tied it together nicely but it almost veered on TOO sentimental, sort of cloying in a way. That said, I still enjoyed it immensely, read both a few times and I think I’m going with Dead Man here.

Not sure who I would’ve voted for if Dom edited and added the rest. Welcome back to the fold

Also I gotta ask, why are his pants at his ankles there? Was he taking a shit or shooting heroin/fetanyl into his dick vein? He took his belt off, shot up and died? His pants should’ve been on still nigga the fuck?