[Universe]

Mike Wrecka

Seems like a literal take on the topic... which is fine, the pic is cool enough to justify it but there's so much potential here it still seems that a literal approach is not doing it justice... Hopefully you veer off course a little.

Cool flow and rhyme scheme to kick things off, but to me, this came at a cost of logical story progression. It's such a thin tightrope to walk I realize, and something I struggle with too... Should we impress lyrically or tell a compelling story? But I think the middle ground is the goal... and this just leaned too far into making words fit the rhyme scheme and not story/character development imo. At least in the beginning sections.

Don't get me wrong, what you're saying is still relevant and pushing the narrative along, and is fairly impressive to read. Technically sound. Although, I'm not entirely fond of this style and Frank's, the whole squeezing 2 bars into one approach... Too many commas and it's cheating the line limit... But this is an issue I will address further with Frank's because he REALLY pushed the limits... possibly to the point of a DQ. But we will get to that...

The ending was cool. Digging the whole clone angle... the 'big business in space' approach and how they make replaceable cyborgs. This dude is literally a cog in the wheel and he knows it, and this idea is capped off nicely by this line:

"in an elaborate twist, I’m told my work will continue after my death,
a clone of me will take over and then HE will have these regrets"

A clone that finds out he is a clone and knows he will never escape his job and will always have the same regrets inherently built into his mainframe because it's who he is... and always will be. It's quite the lost and defeated feeling and its portrayed nicely to the reader.

I said this was a literal take on the topic at the beginning but this ending switches things up nicely for me, creating a suitable narrative that is coupled with the strong technical rhyming on display.

Good stuff here man, you brought your best bars for this champ match and it shows. Kudos.

Frank

So the main issue I have here upon just glancing at this is the obvious length of this piece... Even taking into account your numerous lines crammed into one, trying to stretch out the limit, you are still over. There is just no way around that. I'm not going to sit here and allow someone to just say, "Well that's my style and it's just how I write, so..." No, there's a line limit in place for a reason. If I knew I could just cram four bars into two I never would've signed out and would've continued doing my 120 line pieces and calling it 60. But I'll put all this aside for now and address the piece at face value... because it certainly deserves it.

I've been throwing shots at Frank here left and right for weeks now, and it's for a reason... I HATE his style. I hate the amount of words he repeats and tries to play it off like it's all one fresh rhyme scheme. I hate his jagged presentation and downright stilted flow. He certainly is flashy with his words but it's like reading a robot after it implemented a bunch of connecting words into a rhyming simulator and subsequently spit out a bunch of garbled BS... It's designer wallpaper. Looks great to the untrained eye but it's still... fucking wallpaper. For example:

"Looking for a tune that was groovier: He shuffled the playlist, as the train switched: Rerouted & loopier
The outside of the train could’ve with-stood the boom of a nuclear"

Lines like these, although esthetically pleasing, just come off awkward and forced... and I'm not taking into account the added "explosion" afterward because that's just fixing your problem without a creative a solution to changing your rhyme scheme.

Look Franky, when your style works... it really works. You have immense highs and you are a really good writer with a wide range of impressive vicab, no doubt about it. But your style is stuck inside a box and wanting to get out, but you won't let it. You play it safe. You keep going back to the same well and taking water from it because it's all you know. It's a great well with a proven track record for clean water, but I don't see you progressing to indoor plumbing anytime soon.

"Eyes newer and pupilar"

Lines like this... like fuck off. At this point I was more annoyed than impressed and wanted out...

Aannnddd that's when it all changed for me...

This. Section. Was. FIRE:

"It would take the greatest mind of our last generation, to make that train of thought: a matter of patience
A virtue, the man had: in his bag and his case—as he panned the station—
The train coming faster than the*flash of illumination
The light at the end of the tunnel becoming a gamut of radiance: Light shining on the man, as he waited—uninhabited sapient—
The grayness of his slacks was like The AlienPlanning Invasion"

Dope as fuck BECAUSE you allowed your style to loosen slightly and gave it room to breathe.

Then you followed with...

"To Planet Uranus—metallic and stainless, the train left the yard, ascending the stars
The air pressure in the car was like holding your breath in a jar: twenty four hours
Seconds to start,
Breathing another breath: Doors shuttered and kept their oxygen levels from decompressing their heart
The air was heavy and sparse. He waited on the ledge, for the sparks, from the train to light up his fermented cigar
Smoke rings or just an interstellar mirage? The man wondered? As he checked his watch: heading for Mars
For the seminar: Over the celestial reservoir, Passengers traveled crossed-legged and armed"

This was fucking masterful and painted an amazing picture in our heads. THIS is the shit that floors people. THIS is why you can say, "I built this place" and I'll be okay with it. Just amazing.

You definitely kept the momentum going as the verse goes on but nothing quite reaches the heights of the aforementioned fantastic sections.

At one point your rhyming to "pedestrians poo" so you can see how the lows definitely stand out.

That said, I'm a huge outer space mark obviously so this is definitely scratching my itch. The topics this week were incredible and you've done the pic justice here. The Elon Musk reveal at the end however, felt a little tacked on. I think you thought of this while writing and maybe determined that it would be a nice way to end it and surprise people... which it did. But you really should've built towards this from the beginning to have maximum impact. Overall this was my favorite verse that I've seen from you... probably ever.

Now, the question of the line limit. I want to DQ you - I really do. But I think this piece deserves to win and I'm not going to stand in the way of that with something petty. But for me, I think you gain a huge advantage every week by cramming in multiple lines and calling it one... This wouldn't go down well if we battled and I would obviously want the same amount of time and leeway to tell my story within the style that I write.

But, for now... You wrote a great piece here.

Vote: Franklin