[Dominate]

Objective,
Ohhhh we are dissing America. OK yes. I am here for this. Brave. Can't wait to see how our bald eagle worshipping NCGs' sense of patriotism plays out here in the votes. Also love that your villain is named Mike lol. I saw you post in the discussion that that was a mistake/oversight but I prefer to think that it wasn't. FUCK AMERICA AND FUCK MIKE WRECKA IN PARTICULAR YOU GREEDY PIECES OF SHIT. Excellent take.

OK, lulz out of the way, now to some more serious commentary. Overall I think this was probably your best piece this season. Either this or that watery suicide contemplation one. But I think this one, - more original idea in terms of both narrative and in terms of style with having the protagonist be the villain. Rhyming/mechanics were slightly better here than your norm too. A small nitpick - you seem to miss the "s" on the end of verbs sometimes when its needed which is slightly jarring to me. For example in the opening line it should be "feeds" not "feed". In line 8 it should be "requires" not "require". There’s a couple other spots. Maybe English is a second language for you but even so I'm surprised bc you write it flawlessly outside of verses from what I've seen. Maybe it's meant as a stylistic/slang kinda thing. Anyway, it's minor but I don't like it.

Your opening three lines I thought were very strong. “Institutionalized freedom” is a superb turn of phrase. An oxymoron that captures the culture of capitalism worship that’s prevalent in the US. I liked the idea behind the fourth line too but thought the wording came out a bit awkward. First half of the second stanza was kind of in the same vein - I think the idea of “burning with desire/greed” plus the fiery climax of your story was enough, you didn’t need to try to connect every last detail of the picture. Second half of this stanza is where your story takes off and I found it engaging, leading to a cool ‘twist’. I liked the idea of the news station narrating what happened in the climax, although I think the final four lines would have been better if you switched back to an omniscient narrator voice to match your opening instead of continuing with the news station ‘this just in’ thing. Nonetheless, I liked how this ended with the luxury apartments plan. Very solid showing mate, good job.



Michael,
I like this take on the topic, I only understood it once I reached the final three lines but that was OK. Mechanically this was very smooth - great rhythm, good rhymes. I felt this was a bit too heavy on observations/descriptors. There were some excellent individual lines like “even perennials can’t bloom in frost” and “chicken noodle soup , put spoon to broth,” but I felt like those ideas/metaphors needed more exploration/set up before bouncing on to the next one. This piece had many hallmarks of a great writer but it was missing something for me. I’m aware that I’ve written significantly more about Objective’s work than yours but idk, I just had more to say about his, both positive and negative. Look forward to reading more from you.


I got Objective taking this.