[Frank]

Ahoy Mates!

A true battle, mates! Yeah? What-a-whirlwind clash here, between vastly different poet/pirates: duking it out on the open seas, for a treasurable victory. What it all boiled down to, for me, is, what boat took me for a greater journey? Gilligan or The Skipper? Blackbeard (Broken Halo) or Jack Sparrow (Objective). Because while one Pirate/Poet teeter tottered on the stream of consciousness, the other Pirate/Poet appeared to be manning the deck and scanning the depths! I will have to re-read it again now, to figure out who had the greater correlation to the topic.

Broken Halo

Transcending trade winds needles and threads haberdashery
look through your drawers ; while you sleep in your bed
in the fourth dimension the future grows like seedlings in a garden
with no respect I catch and release a 500 pound marlin;

I feel like this bar should've been your verses first line. It sets the tone much more-so then the filler beginning before that line. Ideally, that first line embodied the entire verse.

the prophet on the sailboat ; the navy seal that didn't make hell week
for whom the bell toll's wrapped in hotel sheets
flaring your elbows throwing right crosses
the firefighter who lost his life, survived by 5 orphans , light scorching

I don't know why I pictured a fire fighter drowning in his extinguishment. I thought that, that, was more "fourth dimensional", then "seedlings in a garden", where you state "fourth dimension" but here you actually exemplifying it.

in the light of more serious events we threw toxic waste off the flank
in the rise fish mutate with giant heads , I will disperse a giant net
see when your a hopeless pirate vet ; who has to dumb it down to dire threats
and the drums of rum run low and supplies are less
with one eye I see inside instead I get seasick for one week
and don't sleep until I find a bed ; drop the anchor the shorelines ahead
the quiet quest I arrived at the dock and walked up spire steps
coconut trees shelter the seagulls lady's with tanned skin walk the beach in Rio


I thought that this section had massive potential, but ultimately it reads a little too wishy washy, but, definitely a much clearer flow of streamlined ideas, in a watered-down sense. You should really consider anchoring the verse here.

sweating like a poached trout I seen a smoke cloud we got company
With a scimitar the size of a giant skeleton
I cut down bamboo trees and the trunk of a dying elephant
with my scimitar the size of a giant pelican I searched the whole town

You searched the whole ISLAND See what I did there? It would've anchored the story, and, it would've actually rhymed! Island is more anchoring.

for the vial element inherited by lunatics with cyber intelligence
Arabian killers raiding the villa's I let my parrot out the cage he understands
100 languages and can see from miles away 2 hours later he arrived said
in the favela's the dark sage hides in a cave praise the living vial glowing in radium cadence

I like this idea of introducing a parrot, who understands 100 languages, the imagery of the caves radiating with radium, it's just that the lack of punctuation makes it laborsome. Capitalizing the word Arabian really threw me. Does this take place on the Beach In Rio Or Arabia? You lost me with the capitalization of that word, because everything is in lower case, but this place seemed significant enough for you to capitalize, although you hadn't mentioned Arabia until that point. I couldn't take it seriously, but then again, I'm just nit-picking.

entombed in a black cube oasis organic spaceships made of petrified silica
I teleported instantly using the magic language of instinctual slang algebra

I would've axed out this, because, it distracts from the big picture. The Big Picture, is, you, the pirate poet. Remember? You want to anchor it! When you start talking about spaceships and teleportation? This type of deviation can ruin the foundation. Again, I'm just trying to show you examples of how you can elevate!

at the caves entrance I swung at bats flying from hiding places like batting cages

zinger

night goggles see in silent spaces tubifex worms feeding in damp river riboflavin
looking like congealed ectoplasm ; stuck in some space place ; in a cave drain call it the waste lake
walls are closing in and I can see my breathe I can feel the chills fingers numb I know it's real
walking through spinning webs I scratch my flesh picking silk translucent like spoiled milk
slipping on bed rock I hit my head getting up I hear running rhythmic steps
then a sudden vile shriek out of nowhere the sage swung his spear and it cut my eye and cheek
just then I shift into monkey pose with a mantis strike I gave him a bloody nose
pulled out my scimitar that's when we froze the black cube exploded
and the vial spoke
'' Thy child I'm the ocean and the sky
Thy child I'm the moment when you die
Thy child I'm everything you loved in life
every element on every plane in the poetry of reality we are all the same
war is fought for better but like those before you behold the splendor''

This read more progressive and sound, in terms of progressing the story line, in a gradual, coherent manner, as opposed to, geeking out and whiling out on descriptors. I would describe your overall style of writing as "hiccup". Now it appears that you have micronized from a vast, vast ocean to the life of a small cave puddle.

for that small moment my scimitar disrupted the force field like a iron genie
Rikers island chefs add 10 spice packs to ramen ; A spike in diabetes
I swung at the vial with the force of behemoth ; to my surprise the scimitar exploded into a thousand pieces
like a peacock sparks are flying in brilliant colors; I feel my conscious shift as I slowly recovered discovered

Delete

I blacked out on the beach only to wake up next Monday , should have never ate ten 8ths of fungi...

This line should have followed the dream segment following the "lord of the cave puddle". I would've axed everything I summed up as delete, because, it did nothing for you, but jumble your notion and jar your premise.

Too much for one guy who will take all your pills ; the one guy who supports oil spills
killed most the coral life now I'm seeing ghost like Coraline ;
my tears taste like sweat ; you're my favorite pet
the parrot on the captains shoulder ;speaks 10,000 words
have him fly ahead and report any enemy ships that's abroad ;
tactics of war , Valiant Thor , cannons shoot from valley to shore
maritime law, gimme a raft ill paddle some more , sovereign sailing
tsunamis represent metaphors for doctored feelings , love wins in the end
darkness has set upon the hearts of men
I'm the eye that seas the sky reflecting the brightest oceans
I'm the tide that keeps a sunfish floating like a giant totem
at a mountain coast land a nomad is getting water boarded

Ok. This line should've wrapped it up and set up your closer

at the moment he shouts 'Allah'' his faith allows him to ignore the choking
the embarrassment of getting beheaded on TV , heaven on earth
the catcher of the rye the timid turning werewolf the twinkle in your eye
Known for shootin' down derelicts while they pumping breaks at yield signs
I still terrorize the homeless shelter,asking random strangers for cigarettes
Drunk off the blood of 60 virgins ; happily swim with crocodiles in Bangladesh

Steer clear of pointlessness. Look up "Kill your darlings"

the ocean is lonely and so am I ; so I drown myself slowly ; a gargled goodbye..

The End. Take a look now @Broken Halo

with no respect I catch and release a 500 pound marlin;
the prophet on the sailboat ; the navy seal that didn't make hell week
for whom the bell toll's wrapped in hotel sheets
flaring your elbows throwing right crosses
the firefighter who lost his life, survived by 5 orphans , light scorching
in the light of more serious events we threw toxic waste off the flank
in the rise fish mutate with giant heads , I will disperse a giant net
see when your a hopeless pirate vet ; who has to dumb it down to dire threats
and the drums of rum run low and supplies are less
with one eye I see inside instead I get seasick for one week
and don't sleep until I find a bed ; drop the anchor the shorelines ahead
the quiet quest I arrived at the dock and walked up spire steps
coconut trees shelter the seagulls lady's with tanned skin walk the beach in Rio
sweating like a poached trout I seen a smoke cloud we got company
With a scimitar the size of a giant skeleton
I cut down bamboo trees and the trunk of a dying elephant
with my scimitar the size of a giant pelican I searched the whole town
for the vial element inherited by lunatics with cyber intelligence
Arabian killers raiding the villa's I let my parrot out the cage he understands
100 languages and can see from miles away 2 hours later he arrived said
in the favela's the dark sage hides in a cave praise the living vial glowing in radium cadence
at the caves entrance I swung at bats flying from hiding places like batting cages
night goggles see in silent spaces tubifex worms feeding in damp river riboflavin
looking like congealed ectoplasm ; stuck in some space place ; in a cave drain call it the waste lake
walls are closing in and I can see my breathe I can feel the chills fingers numb I know it's real
walking through spinning webs I scratch my flesh picking silk translucent like spoiled milk
slipping on bed rock I hit my head getting up I hear running rhythmic steps
then a sudden vile shriek out of nowhere the sage swung his spear and it cut my eye and cheek
just then I shift into monkey pose with a mantis strike I gave him a bloody nose
pulled out my scimitar that's when we froze the black cube exploded
and the vial spoke
'' Thy child I'm the ocean and the sky
Thy child I'm the moment when you die
Thy child I'm everything you loved in life
every element on every plane in the poetry of reality we are all the same
war is fought for better but like those before you behold the splendor''
I blacked out on the beach only to wake up next Monday , should have never ate ten 8ths of fungi...
Too much for one guy who will take all your pills ; the one guy who supports oil spills
killed most the coral life now I'm seeing ghost like Coraline ;
my tears taste like sweat ; you're my favorite pet
the parrot on the captains shoulder ;speaks 10,000 words
have him fly ahead and report any enemy ships that's abroad ;
tactics of war , Valiant Thor , cannons shoot from valley to shore
maritime law, gimme a raft ill paddle some more , sovereign sailing
tsunamis represent metaphors for doctored feelings , love wins in the end
darkness has set upon the hearts of men
I'm the eye that seas the sky reflecting the brightest oceans
I'm the tide that keeps a sunfish floating like a giant totem
at a mountain coast land a nomad is getting water boarded
the ocean is lonely and so am I ; so I drown myself slowly ; a gargled goodbye..

Objective

In full storm I stand alone on the diving board at the pier.
Thinking and sinking in thought with no fear, as if it was the norm:

The opening flow doesn't seem too sure of it self and that can be off putting or it could also be seen as misdirectional, it truly depends on the readers comprehension level.

My body floating in open water, bloated.
Soaked with contempt, if there's a poet;
he wrote it.

Most ignore subsurface souls contorted.
Indoor socialization left my person waterboarded.
Bottled Institutionalized wonder, animosity killed the cat

What cat? I wouldn't use clichés unless they pertain to your subject matter. If it were the pet cat on the steamboat, that would work, otherwise, steer clear of irrelevant clichés. So far, the flow and wording is very choppy.

with self inflicted wounds that spilled the batch.
Alarm clocks slumber, like: I don't need your number.
Correction... "You're", and comma after "need",
and add the sweet underscore.

After re-reading your verse, this is the part where I realized it was uninspired and more of a flex. If you had re-read your work with a more critical lenses, you would've realized this part needed a red line through it. Did you read Halo's verse before writing? Because it seems as if his lack of punctuation and usage of commas, really affected the outcome of your thoughts on a deeper level. I'm interested in knowing whether my theory holds any weight, or its just a coincidence?

Forget all that, I tend to blunder "yore".

Took the words out of my mouth. Man, I don't know why you didn't delete that nonsense. Instead you went 4th dimension in the next line, by telling the reader to forget that part! Points for that.


You:Sea.
I ventured past the aftermath that laughter has

This is where the verse gets its sea-legs

with the see-through deep blue bastards mask.
Surfing waves of real dynamic connections
trying to keep my head above water.
Titanic self-reflection bring such an awkward thing-
ordering empathy while snorkeling society
wondering which pitchforks they'll bring to reality.

Sea Captains used cannons and swords, not pitchforks, those are mainland weapons.

Poseidon, your rich words are king.

Gusts catch my navy blue North Face jacket of size,

Jacket of size was pretty poor wording. C'mon, you're the moderator of the open mic forum for crying out loud!

the hood tightly embrace my dome and halfway cover my eyes.
Strong winds do not deafen the violent waves
as they break their momentum on rocks.
Shocked I see that weather is not my enemy in this.
Trying not to lose balance, I reminisce:

I really liked the word reminisce, almost like a mist, beautiful wordplay, intended or not

Under clear skies and a scorching sun
I've seen the crystal clear waters of the wonderful Red Sea-
In Dahab where sea life's more colorful than confetti.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you read your opponents verse, before hand, because some of his references are influencing this. I get it. He took it to Arabia, so did you have to ONE up him by taking to Dahab?

Comforting light beige sand and a Lionfish lingering
with its poison touch among mingling seaweed.
My body drifts freely above submerged cliffs
with dark mysteries of what's beneath,
where deepwater fish are practically blind and got razor sharp teeth.
The current shifts-
dragging me down with breathtaking scenery.
A sole clown fish teetering between the gifts
given by coral reefs and underwater greenery.
At last I flounder along the bottom,
and my friends are out of sight.

This was pretty cool

No more Red Sea,
just the Norwegian ocean of might.

Does your tale take place in Dahab or Norway? Srs!

I stand on the edge in full storm. Rain and wind howl.
Scrounging for 2 cents, a strong breeze reply with a growl.

Basically sums up what I said at the very beginning about, you being unsure of yourself with this topic. Unless you meant, "2 cents", literally, Pirates owned gold, why use nonsensical phrases?

Waves roar with foam towards exposed rock,
soaring powerful thoughts enclosed shut.
Is this death?
I suppose,
not.

On this edge
I see my future.
What it'd look like if I let it float
bloated with contempt.

Fiction, he wrote. Italic for style points.

I can't help but wonder if there was a grammatical lesson to your verse that I missed? You've hinted at something deeper than meets the surface here with your focus being split between the oceans grandeur and your opponents grammar!

Convinced life force is a body of water.

I'm home now. Here. Slender and slim.
The deep blue sea kept me afloat,
and taught me how to swim.

Overall, I probably will not breakdown battles, like this, again, unless I feel absolutely compelled to, because I don't want to spend more time critiquing their verses, than they spent writing them. All in all, I could easily come up with a generic, thoughtless vote without explaining (mentioning superficial shit) and I could easily dismiss these guys efforts, as, utter rubbish, but, that wouldn't help anyone, including myself, and especially, and certainly wouldn't help out the league.
After reading some of the votes of my own battle, I could imagine how someone would feel apathetic continuing just to be subjected to mindless shallow minded critique: that doesn't encourage or inspire the writers or voters to continue to get better and elevate. Even on this battle, the voters haven't been constructive or analytical enough. The voters prior to my vote, were just going through the motions, and it didn't do themselves, yourself, or anyone else any justice. Unfortunately, that's the case with 64 plus line epic verses, its usually a case of voters having to enjoy vs endure.
I didn't want to sell you guys short, but this vote has already taking up way too much of my time.
I got broken halo winning by a bar-nacle.

Mods let me know if you need further explanation!