Halo,
Man you have such a phenomenal raw talent with vivid imagery that invokes all the senses, an excellent vocabulary, and some good rhymes to boot. Sometimes your writing is too random for me and I start to find it a chore to get through the whole verse but this wasn’t the case so much this week. I think you did much better here than in previous verses in terms of building on what was said from line to line rather than just skipping around from one colorful descriptor to another. I mean it was still a lot of that but it was a bit more tied together than other verses have been. I wish you would use some punctuation though. Most of your lines are screaming out for it and it would help the micro level coherence so much. More than that though I wish you would apply these considerable talents of yours into a writing a narrative or theme that builds from start to finish and be a little less scattered conceptually. Maybe that’s not what you want to do and that’s fine, do you… but that’s what would elevate your verses to from mid to top tier for ME. But anyway, I really enjoyed reading your verse this week. Solid showing.
Objective,
This was the best I’ve read from you. Definitely the most finished/polished feeling piece. A dude contemplating a watery suicide but deciding against it, cool cool. I liked all the water based metaphor in the first italicized section, and the descriptors in the Red Sea section painted a vivid image. This was some good writing on display. The way you structured this made the rhymes a little hard to catch at times but they were there. Thought this was pretty dope.
It’s close but ultimately I’m more impressed with Objective’s writing here. Not as lively and colourful as Halo’s but his lines all worked together to build a narrative and an emotional connection.
V/ Objective
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The Bad Guys
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