OK first and foremost wtf @
Adverse just straight up deleting Sinacog's verse, even after I posted his extra bars that he PM'd to me. This travesty will not stand.
Candy,
Slumber party is an excellent take on the topic. Verse started with the usual unintelligible nonsense but became more coherent and relevant after the first few bars. Cool. Do more of that. I don't think you needed to incorporate Dracula into this piece just because that's where the quote is from, but I guess you like writing about that stuff and to be fair the way you introduced it did work - the kids deciding what movie to watch at their sleepover.
OK, I just read through to the end and honestly considered just deleting what I wrote above because...
What. The. Fuck.
Writing about girls drinking their own period blood is bad enough, but whyyyyyy did you follow that up with a "sexy" gif?? Was that supposed to be one of the characters in your story? Who is presumably underage? Are you sexually aroused by the thought of teenage girls drinking their period blood? This is not OK. Please seek professional help. I'm serious. This is not OK.
Moving on...
TIMELESS,
OK this was far from your best work but there were elements I liked. The start was kinda cool, I was intrigued. The minion of time on minimum wage starving was an interesting description. But it didn't really "fit" in this verse.
Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.
Nothing illegal, im good. I pass 8th and Martin and hit the stop.
A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.
Kicked his lights on, I shit you not! So i kept on the gas for a few.
Just to see how he reacts, how pissed he gets for a laugh or two.
^This was cool. Your best section.
Kind of lost me in the end again. Wasn't really clear on what you were talking about. Not like, in a Candy sense where you're torturing the English language with electrical probes hooked up to a car battery in a dimly lit basement, but just like in the sense that I didn't really feel like you were building anything from one line to the next or saying anything of substance. Just kind of fillerish.
Mechanically this was pretty good all the way through. Some good rhymes and the flow was very smooth.
Connection to the topic wasn't really clear to me - the "noise" and "night" elements of the quote were there but I think "children" was a key part of the quote and I didn't really see how that fit in anywhere except maybe "youth harnessed in slums... pumped full of subtle aggression". Maybe you were talking about how children grow into criminals and make noise in the night? That idea could work but it wasn't clear to me in your verse - I'm reaching trying to find the connection for you.
Candy had the better idea for a take on the topic but although I could make sense of what he was saying in most of his verse, which was a welcome change, he still struggled with basic grammar enough to make the verse unenjoyable. Also, I am concerned that he is a peadophile.
Vote = timeless