Candy:
A nightowl calculates nighting gales howls
Ok cool I guess
foul stench of the shawl swallows shallow - loud
what…the…fuck??!?
our nighting gown growls, groans and grovels proud
allowed loitering in lower case down
WHAT??1?…
the feathers fly in swoons on what to watch
frankenstein's monster, bride of the lost
no, no
i got it..
little old dracule
alright cool…despite the strange setup something like a story is forming…
the cruel and unusual for sure
we pull out the pillows and fluff
sit in a compfy position and stuff
our face of junk food lollies of sorts
away from homework, stretched beyond this earth
sure that the next step of pressing play plays
we are some safe, ready for what awaits
Filler
we wait in horror shook shocked and rocking
the vamp bites and breaks the flesh still sucking
Vampire comes out of nowhere??!?
no victim is of worth worthy our feel
a room full of girls bored anything is real
i smother one and drag one off to the bed
the others restrain and fight but i suck neck
only hickies, wounds but nothing too bad
the girls laugh like media influences sad
lol WTF @ that last line?? Hahahahahaha…brother I literally don’t have a clue
Man to be honest your switching up from first person omniscient to first person is kind of jarring and strange as wel..
people like us are beyond the depths realms
we have to go into the tv to become the now
we have no plan but soul through others eyes
we gaze and peer through what is endless vice
our skin turns to dust our iris like balls
they align with the fangs and grow us tall
we awake in night terrors stake in hand
our cloak, with daggers draped where we stand
Bland but better
..
this mission is over we're darkness fell
too bad if we sleep though our blankets are now on the otherside of hell
..
we cuddle we crouch we drink our own blood
yet these four little girls still wonder whats such
...a period to an empty cup
LMFAOOOO!OOO!!!!!! The fuck???Q?!?
I mean, this verse just doesn’t make sense brother. At all even a little bit…it has sections of semi-coherence that I’d expect from a 7th grader at a middling high school who just dropped acid for the first time and is having a VERY BAD trip. Some of it was alright but it lacks any semblance of a story, zero tension, zero literary devices, the whole verse is like a bottle of applesauce flowing through an infant’s fingers. The good thing is, it’s only up from here my friend.
Timeless:
A slight six hours from now I'll be a flight risk and powering down.
Battery on pause, not charged or dead but alive in a towering house.
Midnight! .. says the clock, the minion of time itself on minimum wage starving.
A critical stage except for each hand, racing in slow motion yet finishing late often.
Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.
Nothing illegal, im good. I pass 8th and Martin and hit the stop.
A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.
At least some semblance of coherence can be found here. Good to see you again btw brother timeless. Some weird word choices like the clock is a “minion of time” on “minimum wage starving”. It’s kind of too much and doesn’t add to the story whatsoever as the time isn’t emphasized at all in any other part of the verse. Filler description. But anyways, he’s driving drunk and about to get into some shit it seems like, I can at least dig that part.
Kicked his lights on, I shit you not! So i kept on the gas for a few.
Just to see how he reacts, how pissed he gets for a laugh or two.
If i get attacked, then my only reaction isn't just to lay there.
I'm going to react faster than his ass has, the fuck if I play fair.
I'll fight to the death, you better see that fact through my eyes.
Feel u, hands ready at all times…
And when you step off, just know that I'll eventually pass you in line.
Blessed at the stake, my heart's just torn that this mess cannot fade.
Even still, a simple thought of me keeps the dead man awake.
Youth harnessed in slums full of what ifs and yes men.
Checkers and chess then. Pumped full of subtle aggression.
So say hello to the night, let it be your guiding light.
Wide and right, your aim's always off trying to hide.
Lied and cried through excuses you unwind at times.
Tried to find the middle but only arrived at WHY?
Kind of random. Still more structure than candy’s
MVGT: Timeless
__________________
UNIFIED THEORY
|