Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK FOUR: DOMINATE (3-0) vs MASTER ROCK (2-1) DOM WINS 4-0

Universe · 04-21-2022, 09:31 PM

Gotta love Adverse dropping a Casablanca quote lol.

Aussie Osborne:

I was thrown off at the start with the rhyme scheme because it's not what I'm used to seeing from you, but once I got what you intended I was cool with it... but like, just a little bit.

Okay back to normal lol. Thank god. You're building something up here and I'm not sure what, but I like it.

"I never felt so acutely as powerless as when that chaos flooded my mind.
It was sudden and violent. She never struggled or cried.
I hit her with a terrible force - never before had I summoned its kind.
In a thunderous silence, her body thrashed and shuddered and writhed,
twisting like a grotesque contortionist in the midst of a stuttering light.
It was… a metamorphosis. A second coming of life."

Yikes. This whole metamorphosis section is dope af... I could literally picture this scene in my mind as it played out before me. Mark of a great writer.

And then you kept the rhyme scheme going to the conclusion, ending with the Djinn reveal. Wow. So good man. I love this wordplay connection and how you just ran with it. Cleverrrr...

Another great piece my dude.

Master Rock:

Starts out long-winded and kind of stays there... Weird. Imagery is cool but some more editing was needed. Missing some cohesiveness in your lines... just general word choices were off at crucial points... like ending a bar.

"hoping they won't detect the clues
from the rage of this passion that erupted by the lit of a fuse"

- lit of a fuse? Sorry bud, I always detect the clues... I know what you were going for though but I shouldn't have to interpret during the flow of a verse.

Yeahhh... It feels like you're trying to be deep instead of actually, you know... BEING it. AND this is getting even more long-winded as we go... it's becoming tornado-ish.

"the blackness of the clouds covers the night as it storms I listen for the thunder to commend I'm scorned
a flash rumbles I hear the crack as I wander into darknesses descend worn"

- You've been spending too much time with Candy bud...

A better effort was definitely needed here against Dominate. You are capable of competing but it takes a commitment from you that you're not always willing to take on. (Time constraints don't sway me - We all have those)

Dom asserts his dominance once again.

Vote: Dominate

04-21-2022, 09:31 PM	#7
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Gotta love Adverse dropping a Casablanca quote lol. Aussie Osborne: I was thrown off at the start with the rhyme scheme because it's not what I'm used to seeing from you, but once I got what you intended I was cool with it... but like, just a little bit. Okay back to normal lol. Thank god. You're building something up here and I'm not sure what, but I like it. "I never felt so acutely as powerless as when that chaos flooded my mind. It was sudden and violent. She never struggled or cried. I hit her with a terrible force - never before had I summoned its kind. In a thunderous silence, her body thrashed and shuddered and writhed, twisting like a grotesque contortionist in the midst of a stuttering light. It was… a metamorphosis. A second coming of life." Yikes. This whole metamorphosis section is dope af... I could literally picture this scene in my mind as it played out before me. Mark of a great writer. And then you kept the rhyme scheme going to the conclusion, ending with the Djinn reveal. Wow. So good man. I love this wordplay connection and how you just ran with it. Cleverrrr... Another great piece my dude. Master Rock: Starts out long-winded and kind of stays there... Weird. Imagery is cool but some more editing was needed. Missing some cohesiveness in your lines... just general word choices were off at crucial points... like ending a bar. "hoping they won't detect the clues from the rage of this passion that erupted by the lit of a fuse" - lit of a fuse? Sorry bud, I always detect the clues... I know what you were going for though but I shouldn't have to interpret during the flow of a verse. Yeahhh... It feels like you're trying to be deep instead of actually, you know... BEING it. AND this is getting even more long-winded as we go... it's becoming tornado-ish. "the blackness of the clouds covers the night as it storms I listen for the thunder to commend I'm scorned a flash rumbles I hear the crack as I wander into darknesses descend worn" - You've been spending too much time with Candy bud... A better effort was definitely needed here against Dominate. You are capable of competing but it takes a commitment from you that you're not always willing to take on. (Time constraints don't sway me - We all have those) Dom asserts his dominance once again. Vote: Dominate __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..