Brokenhalo
I like the feel of your rhyme schemes even though you don’t commit to them for very long it gives it a quick read from top to bottom, I also like how to incorporated the schemes throughout the lines instead of the typical end rhymes that you see amateur writers do, a few lines could have been reworded maybe look up synonyms next time instead of saying shit like staying sober just to stay awake, feels like that could have been reworded and it would have added to the piece, last complaint is the grammar really especially when you use shit like Im incorrectly.
Going east
I stopped traveling the boulevard of broken dreams
when I ran out of breath chasing down old machines
train stations to the stars in and out the go between's
have you ever rode between a train car smoking weed
it made me blush every time the door's would close on me.
I liked this part it seems that is the most you carried on the same scheme but it was dopey to me.
Dominate
DAMN that opening was fire, hope to ascended, soul will be cleansed, not necessarily a perfect multie but the way that flowed with the rest of that section was butter, ending was cool some sections I get a workplace shooter vibe, i could definately see my self reading this again, my favorite parts was your opening section and the ending, the character in your story had fuck the world vibes until he said fuck this shit.
My only complaint is other than the opening and the ending, some of the bulk of your story almost sounded like rants, but rants that actually makes sense and was decently thought out and written, the page its on / davidson bit had the most ridiculous scheme in there that made me think it was filler.
Overall though the story was entertaining and I was drawn to the character.
V/ Dominate
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