Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK THREE: EVICTION (1-0) vs BLUE BAYOU (1-0) EVICTION WINS 3-0

Dominate · 04-12-2022, 07:14 PM

This one was kind of a tricky topic as well. The major focus is a girl painting, but you quickly notice a lot of other interesting details that feel like they need to be addressed. Why are there swirling papers around her, some of which are fish shaped? The girl appears to be sitting but also there's no chair. Why? What are the books on the ground about, why are they there? I've thought about this for a couple of minutes and haven't come up with any ideas about what I'd write.

Eviction - pretty good man. A dead character who is/was an artist works well enough for the topic. It's not an amazing take and I still want to know about the swirling fish - maybe your character could have had a water based death? - but like I said I can't think of a much of an angle myself for this pic so don't take that as too much of a criticism. The voice/emotion of the character - kinda sad and maybe a little bitter? - stayed consistent throughout the verse and you bounced around between exploring this feel and revealing little details of the character's life as the piece went on. Rhymes were pretty good - some internal ones as well as holding a scheme over a number of lines. The lines seemed a little too long winded for me, they relied on the density of the multis to hold a rhythm. At points I was too aware that your word choice was informed by your rhyme scheme, but there was nothing really egregious or jarring in that sense. All in all you pulled out a fairly solid piece from a difficult topic. Good job.

Blue - you know you phoned this in and you're not getting anyone's vote, but thanks for showing up with an amusing read instead of just no-showing. Both of the Barc lines were funny in particular. I liked the bit about your wife too. How did she like my round 1 verse by the way? There were a couple of small bits in here that pointed to what you might've done with more time/effort on the verse - "this art is chaos" grabbed my attention. The opening line also. I always enjoy what you write, thanks for the read my man.

V/ Eviction

04-12-2022, 07:14 PM	#8
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,533 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197460	This one was kind of a tricky topic as well. The major focus is a girl painting, but you quickly notice a lot of other interesting details that feel like they need to be addressed. Why are there swirling papers around her, some of which are fish shaped? The girl appears to be sitting but also there's no chair. Why? What are the books on the ground about, why are they there? I've thought about this for a couple of minutes and haven't come up with any ideas about what I'd write. Eviction - pretty good man. A dead character who is/was an artist works well enough for the topic. It's not an amazing take and I still want to know about the swirling fish - maybe your character could have had a water based death? - but like I said I can't think of a much of an angle myself for this pic so don't take that as too much of a criticism. The voice/emotion of the character - kinda sad and maybe a little bitter? - stayed consistent throughout the verse and you bounced around between exploring this feel and revealing little details of the character's life as the piece went on. Rhymes were pretty good - some internal ones as well as holding a scheme over a number of lines. The lines seemed a little too long winded for me, they relied on the density of the multis to hold a rhythm. At points I was too aware that your word choice was informed by your rhyme scheme, but there was nothing really egregious or jarring in that sense. All in all you pulled out a fairly solid piece from a difficult topic. Good job. Blue - you know you phoned this in and you're not getting anyone's vote, but thanks for showing up with an amusing read instead of just no-showing. Both of the Barc lines were funny in particular. I liked the bit about your wife too. How did she like my round 1 verse by the way? There were a couple of small bits in here that pointed to what you might've done with more time/effort on the verse - "this art is chaos" grabbed my attention. The opening line also. I always enjoy what you write, thanks for the read my man. V/ Eviction __________________ The Bad Guys