Pretty picture. I’m starting all my votes from now on with a quick idea about what I might’ve written for the given topic. I hope other voters adopt the idea too, I really like reading others’ takes. For this one I probably would have used the picture as a jump off point for a story. Maybe some sort of sci fi element with the stars being such a focal point of the pic. Or if I felt up to writing something more introspective maybe the idea of being small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe.
Candy, - I thought this was your best verse so far that I’ve read. Large chunks of coherence! Especially towards the end of the verse. Towards the start there were the usual issues. I feel like you’ve actually got a great deal of raw talent, there are some really beautiful, poetic sentence fragments littered all throughout your verses. Just the way you connect them often turns them into something unintelligible. “the soul of a lanterns ambers chanter mantras” does not make any sense. I’m not sure which words are supposed to be nouns, which ones verbs, etc… but “the amber soul of a lantern” is a lovely descriptor. You could say “the amber soul of a lantern glows” and then you have a nice multi there too. “Chanter mantras” - ??? - maybe you meant “chants a mantra”? The meaning of an inanimate object chanting a mantra is lost on me though. How about, “The amber soul of a lantern glows. The holder chants a mantra.” ? There’s a grammatically correct, coherent line that still sounds pretty and has some rhymes. That’s how I’d fix line 1. Later in your verse you did get better. The lines Universe quoted are the ones I liked also.
Adverse - glad to see you finally jumping in to the league as a writer! The idea of “wonder” fit this picture perfectly and I loved the way the verse built to the idea of childlike wonder/innocence in particular. Some beautiful descriptors of the sky and it’s colours. I loved the whole segment from ‘twilight in view’ all the way through to ‘sky accrue it’s nightly bruise’. Impressive to hold the same rhyme scheme all the way through that passage too. “Nightly bruise” was sick. The final couplet was perfect. Good stuff man.
Candy stepped up considerably this week but still isn’t on the same level as Adverse.
V/ Ad
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The Bad Guys
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