[Universe]

brokenhal0:

So this started out poorly, kind of like reading a Candy verse where things didn't make that much sense grammatically with words missing and forced rhyme schemes etc. It was almost like how someone would write a pure alliteration piece, with the jolted flow, but without the, you know... alliteration. But then it would pick up for a section and you'd find your groove, only to lose it again in the next one. So this was a rollercoaster, to say the least.

Word choices were weird at points... I mean, I appreciate the variety but it still has to make sense in terms of relating to what came before. Sometimes it feels like you just grabbed random words and dropped them in there. As far as the narrative, it was difficult to follow. But I did enjoy the sort of nomadic vibe you gave this piece.. this messed up dude travelling across the country and hearing his thoughts on each area, and they were never good lol. Killing/burning children on a school bus stood out.

Loved these parts:

"Going east
I stopped traveling the boulevard of broken dreams
when I ran out of breath chasing down old machines
train stations to the stars in and out the go between's
have you ever rode between a train car smoking weed
it made me blush every time the door's would close on me."

- This section stood out from the rest and made me wonder why you didn't write the entire verse like this... but I think you enjoy switching things up which is cool, I guess.

"Kidnapped in the belly of the beast voices are painted deformed
those who relied on me found hotel sheets naked in the morning
the rides are free sitting here forever in search of forgotten blessing
the silent pleasures I find standing in lines doing lots of stretching."

- There is such a real feel to this. Like reading a biography on this guy as we follow him throughout this trip - You actually find life in the mundane sometimes and its refreshing as fuck when it works.

Moving on... Yeah, could've done without the sharting/farting section...

By the end, I appreciated the imagery you put into this piece. I really thought it worked well at a lot of points. The story, however, never really took off but I don't think it was ever intended to. This is simply a journey of a disturbed homeless man on a bus... and there is a grittiness in this piece that I really love. But technically it had a ton of holes and I think a lot of people will be put off by the wording and the constant ups and downs.

But all in all, I enjoyed this.


Dominate:

That intro was cool... I didn't even realize it rhymed at first lol. Good set up and I like where you may be taking this.

Loved the first section, great set ups, butter flow and MOSTLY everything on point technically. Only flaw was the "suitable spin" / "beautiful thing" connection. "Thing" rhymes with more of an "eeee" sound, as you know. It depends on how you pronounce "thing" in your accent, but in text maybe should've used a better word choice for that one. (Although the following connective word of "the" which can be pronounced "thee" might have just saved it - If you can't tell, I'm being REALLY picky with you lol) There's a reason for this.

I also love how you can add dialogue into your pieces that fit really well both technically and narratively, and above all... it's fucking FUNNY. I literally was chuckling reading it here with my coffee. You have the ability to reach through the screen and connect with the reader in a way that I haven't seen before, you're clever but don't shove it down our throats - You just let us figure that out on our own. This is a special talent on display here, ladies and gents.

I can't really highlight anything because I'd be quoting everything honestly.

The reasons for why this poor bastard ends up in hell are too good (Starbucks) lol. And the final line at the end there was perfect on every level. Who incorporates their opponent into their topical pieces? Only the best of us... ;)

A+ mate.

Voting for brokenhal0 is understandable if you prefer a longer, grittier story written on parchment paper over the more defined one carved in marble right beside it... To each his own.

I'll go with the marble.

Vote: Dominate