[Universe]

Candy:

This was much better than last week. Although your issues persist with awkward wording galore, I did appreciate the imagery here and connections to the topic. You lead us by the hand down a path with this one, and although at points we comprehended about as much as a foreign film with no subtitles, we still got little moments where we understood what you were going for. And sometimes when we did... those moments shone bright.

Highlights:

"keeping my lantern close i trudge through the nights sky
at this point<
...... i realize what if there is no end
this is what life is - a "black" hole engulfing men"

- A brief moment of introspection and perfect for the topic.

"an existential beat through my flesh drives me to contract
yet no contact - this place is alive
soul owner
whether i call this place home or passing moment....."

- Home or passing moment resonated with me. Good stuff.

Just give it more time to marinate next time please... I know you won't, but I'll still keep suggesting it.

You can be better.


Adverse:

First and foremost, good to see you back as a writer where you belong. Looking forward to this...

Yeah, this was what I expected. Deep and meaningful. Real. You always hit beats that no one else does in terms of emotion... I've always said you write better from a females perspective, or at least writing like you're talking to one, or a child even, and you proved it again. You should write a children's book or something.

Anyway, I think you and dead man are two of the most real writers on here, in terms of your honesty about yourself, the artform, and how you view others - It's all over your guys work. Love it.

If I had to give constructive feedback it would be to try to extend yourself passed the face value of the topic... Meaning, go beyond it and create something new story-wise. Your skillset allows you to dissect a topic poetically like few others, but I believe you're at your best when you use it as a springboard to something else. Although, honestly... that's mostly just a personal preference.

Highlights:

"Every night she watched the sky accrue its nightly bruise
She knew what it was like to lose, knows less on what it’s like to live
Before she could even try to, it’s interrupted by unbridled ques"

- I loved the nightly bruise part, really solid. Made me think the night is actually an injury and not just a transition lol. Super creative. The rest was poetry.

"Alone!? How could she be that when she was accompanied by a thousand stars
“Don’t you wonder who you really are? Wonder how you got this far?”
She disregards, yawns and stretches her arms higher than the mountains are"

- Imigination is king. Loved this part. Like reading a dream someone is trying to wake you up from. And reading it couldn't have been smoother despite the longer line length, which adds up to perfect word choices.

"One day though soon, the monotony of life will start crushing her slowly
Reality will set in and society will complete its consumption of you wholly
But for now I let you dwell in the dreamland that you’re living in
I look at my daughter and smile...what I wouldn’t give to be a kid again"

- Loved the sudden juxtaposition of this. It jarred me out of a dream state into the harsh reality that is life. Then ended on a great note. The entire final section was good but the ending was especially touching.

Candy showed up for this one, but Adverse is just superior in every category by the distance of about a thousand stars... or so.

Vote: Adverse