Halo - if I’m reading this correctly, I thought this was a terrific take. The opening set it up well
every page behind me tells of stories left unfinished
tossed away and ripped in half
crumpled within the withering knuckles of a writers fit of wrath
So, you’re gonna give us a few partially written stories that you/the author couldn’t finish, perhaps all tied together with the common theme of murder/bloodlust/RAGE. Dope idea IMO and gives you room to really have some fun here.
Like others have said - you paint well with your words. Great imagery. I think you should have tried a different style/voice for the different stories to make it clear that they were in fact different. You would benefit from some punctuation inside your lines too - it’d help both the flow/rhythm and the content. Pretty cool piece, it definitely held my interest.
Adonis - my name was so far towards the end, I was starting to worry I wasn’t going to get a mention! Phew, there is is. Okay. Uhhhhh I didn’t love this one man. A ‘meta’ approach for the second week in a row is already too much for me, and this thing where you use a bunch of people’s names as wordplays is something I’ve seen a lottttt in the text battle scene over the years. I almost never like it there and I didn’t like it here. At first I thought you were going to just mention some of the big names that aren’t active anymore, and that would have been a cool take on the topic if you’d done it more subtlety instead of with tags. The proximity of the words/phrases ‘certain’, ‘pent up’, ‘patience’ etc would have been enough, the reader would have gotten it without it being so gaudy. The actual writing, if I ignore the tags, is ok but not at the level you’re capable of. You’ve got decent mechanics here too - thumbing at words/stumbling at first was good in particular.
I’m voting for halo
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The Bad Guys
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