Dope topic! The whole Orwellian 1984 vibe instantly reminds me of Big Brother and brings that to the forefront when seeing this topic with the huge optic bearing down over this lonely suit and tie figure. I also love the dystopian future type aura this gives off, where the guy appears to be the last person on earth - or wherever he may be - a hint at him maybe immersing himself completely in his work until he reaches his time to die, and then realising he really doesn’t have anyone but himself left. All that money, and for what? The rich man is those with family and friends sort of deal. I could see this topic going in either of those two directions in my mind (not read either of your verses at the time of writing this) so let’s see what you guys did here:
Dom: Fantastic take! I’m familiar with the book 1984 like I mentioned in the prelude to my vote so this speaks to me personally in terms of the thematic elements used, this omnipotent eye in the sky scrutinising every movement and watching everything that we do. It’s still very relevant to present day what with CCTV surveillance and internet cookies etc for sure, placing this firmly in the present or not too distant future. I’m glad you went this route as it’s the most direct to the topic and my first thought upon seeing it. I’m sure there are commercial premises already that aren’t too far removed from what’s described here, with their constant monitoring and it being almost like a prison setup rather than a workplace. In fact at one point I see you mentioned the word ‘panopticon’ which is some form of centralised prison watchtower where the guard can keep check on multiple prisoners all at once by my understanding. Dope as fuck word to use here, given the context but also the narrative. I thought you did very well in terms of the tone of the writers voice opted for here. You kept the writing conversational, with good imagery to open things up with, and this section stood out with you carrying the same multi string over the four lines from a technical standpoint which I’m big on:
They access the key logs. Check my browser history, app use
Who I’m emailing and why, how many times I visit the bathroom
The monitor’s monitored. Phone line’s tapped - they listen to that too
The job’s a digital panopticon. Cell number iMac six seven dash two
“Monitors monitored,” was dope as someone already mentioned previously but it’s not just the odd flourish here that stands out so much as the general writers voice at the heart of it driving things forward, that’s what really carried this beyond simply stating everything that appeared to be happening. It’s credit to you for embodying the character and immersing yourself into this world, perhaps you already work within a similar environment, but the closing couplet hit with me because I’m familiar with 1984 enough to know know Winston never actually interacts with Big Brother throughout and it’s more a kind of perception that it’s there, without being evidenced, for the most part. I think your closing statement, right at the end, is also alluding to that idea somewhat - if you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about - and that’s probably the mantra trotted out by these big corporations to support their belief in doing so. It’s almost polarising - but that’s realistically the exact kind of closure this needs, with no definitive answer as to whether Big Brother actually exists, or not, to keep the populace guessing and keep them in place. It’s a form of control in itself. Propaganda to keep the sheep in check. I fuck with it. Panopticon is such a great word too, btw.
Timeless: Your rhyme placement and shorter line lengths gain you massive plus points in regard to the implied rhythmic cadence and flow to your work, and that stood out to me instantly. It carries the verse throughout, giving it a didactic quality we don’t see from so many others. I thought the switch-ups in your rhyme scheme at points were done well to kept me on my toes as a reader. The overarching idea I got from this piece was more so that the guy realises when his time is up, due to the life he’s lived it’s not heaven (pearly gates reference) that he’s destined for - but in fact, it’s Hell he’s headed too (downwards, rock bottom etc references). There were hints throughout for me that seemed to hint at some of the seven deadly sins like greed and gluttony (drugs and drinking to excess), envy, wrath as a result, sloth, pride (in his work/appearance), lust (chasing tail) and what I divulged form it is that this is some sort of eternal purgatory the guy is stuck between, where he’s been living to excess via the drink and drugs and fast living only now he’s realising that it’s all too late, but rather than panicking about what may or may not happen to him he’s already accepted his fate and realised “You know what? Maybe heaven ain’t for everyone after all,” and the dark pits of hell sound a lot more fun for someone who’s lived their entire life on the edge. The resolution is there and arcs right back to the topic, which is almost then like God itself looking down on the person with a critical eye as this lost soul chooses to go it alone rather than follow on up the steps of heaven. It’s a dope take on the topic with a twist at the end that lends itself well to what precedes in the build up. Quality. Two diff takes here but I favoured Dom’s overall. Good battle guys!
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