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Old 03-30-2022, 12:37 AM   #5
Adverse
low tide in serotonin bay
 
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28


Champed
- GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II

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Okay guys thought this one was kind of underwhelming in all honesty

Candy
This verse this week seemed even more discombobulated than your usual material, I think a lot of it was you rushing through this week’s battle so you could sign out which I can understand. I liked the vampiric imagery, the senses you were invoking etc. but your story just didn’t make a lot of sense to me, nor did it really pertain to the topic. I think you really need to slow down and make sure bar by bar that you’re telling a coherent story that makes sense to us all, because I wasn’t catching on at all here

Corleone
You did alright in your first bout man but competition is only going to get stiffer so I hope you’re not going to keystyle the whole way through this league. I’ve seen you tell some good stories in the open mic tbh. This story was alright, it was more coherent than Candy’s was but I mean nothing really happened, it was kind of bland, you’ve got to build up your characters, make us care about them and hold the theatrics for the ending of your verse (the suicide etc) build some suspense up.

Overall this wasn’t the best matchup in the world not to mention you guys got a difficult topic, I think I’d roll with Cor because he had a more put together story.

V/Corleone
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