[Coup]

Red Glare-

Nice opening, very nice follow up stanzas that came after...I felt the mood and place you created with the care you took to establish a time, space and the people in that world.

I was tbh confused if the American Women was this women:

Stood a young woman - reciting the scriptures from her pocket Koran;

I don't know, because does a typical blonde haired American woman recite from a Koran ? Or is this woman from Taiwan.

it is at this point the story compounded and fractured for me...not enough clarity for me to follow.

Who's the mom ? What happened to the American women if she was in fact not the woman reading the Koran ? This split left me vexed.

Good structure, an otherwise good story and nice characters...all three of them...Who was Dr. Q ?

Lot's of plot holes in this...and if you mention something in a story like this it better be used to an action to drive and concluded the plot. I know you know this.

Overall I like this story. Especially your use of topic and how you did a real good job putting that spin on it...with a literal representation as we saw with the doctor doing acupuncture. great job there.

As Vulgar may say, "Keep doing you".


Zygote-

Well then. Very real props to you to understand the totality of a real theory and be able to spit it in a way that flows with a tight rhyme cadence. Nice job. Problem for me though was it was to text book and too technical for me to follow in any way that would give me enjoyment of reading a topical...while don't take this as a negative, I say this because 2/3 of your written lacked what you gave us in the last 1/3, which was symbolism to help illustrate and bring this alive for the reader.

For example, in the last 1/3 of the verse, after much technical babel, you give us a nice line:

t’s like looking at the surface of a lake, to detect a proverbial lochness beneath,
Watching the waves for the faint ripples released from the breath of the beast.

You see how this works better ? Followed by:

The standard model is like the other fish, disturbing the surface every deviation and shift,
B-mesons are not like the other fish. In terms of creating ripples they just don’t exist.

Then you concluded with the point you really wanted to make;

Amazing isn’t it?
We live in a world compromised entirely of matter, observation and tools,
The standard model is dominant, then B-mesons come along and don’t play by the rules.

Yeah, I guess it's sorta amazing, really. But I felt you wasted to much of this written going about saying and portraying this theory as 'Amazing" in the wrong way...Show me, don't just explain and tell me. Use more symbols and abstract thought, which would contrast well with the science babble.

Persuade me this is amazing, and how and why I should care in the context of the world I live in...I felt you started to get their toward the end in the lines I quoted




1+ Red Glare.