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Old 06-22-2013, 04:36 PM   #17
patrown
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witty - i'm not sure how i feel about it overall, even after distancing myself from the topic. i think.. you set an eerie tone well but could have developed the story more. the character was fairly clear. some explanation besides being a lonely child, and a more clear explanation for the killers "reasoning" could've helped. these lines are fucked up..
As he plunders her flesh, stabbing up under her chest
He whispers under his breath that he loves her to death
Tired, be decides on a final treat...hugging her body tight on the silent street
He smiles and weeps....then decides to sleep

straight creepy. but still, good shit. all in all, you relied a little bit too much on shock value and needed more plot development early on or a strong twist at the end, something unexpected.. still, strong piece.

dead man - i like the punchy mechanics here. gave the piece a blunt edge that fit the overall message well. took a macro approach in comparison to your opponent, and went a few different ways with it. exploring a wide range of evils from different places was effective and satisifed the topic relatively well.
i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
liked that section particularly.. the third line my favorite, oddly enough. said a lot with three words. i'm not sure if the narrator was government embodied but that's what i settled on. there's a lot of meat here, and you gave me something to chew on. i can't really give any advice, just commend you for the word play here. you did a lot with little enough to leave it open to different interpretations. well done.

/v dead man. word play made my decision. he didn't settle on one theme or instance in particular - his word choices allowed him to be that vague.. and for the reader to take from the piece what they would like to. can't say i liked it much more than wittys, this was a close call that forced me to get nitpicky. good battle. if witty had gone any further with his story's development I would be voting for him.
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