Interesting pics, let's get into it
Universe: what a concept, I'll pick 2. Let's see where this takes me.
The mom/she/her is one of the things I enjoy in your writing, not being repetitive yet still being clear without seeming redundant among the meat and flavor:
Johnny's mom looked down to see her son frothing like a fountain piece
His towel creased, she turned him on his side so he wouldn't drown at least
^Dopeness
Also in terms of transitions, rhymeschemes and fluent writing with mix ups yet being flowy and on point to highlight what's going on through the style of writing:
Then inhaled without her teeth... a slow stare in the distance
Chest cavity exposed, clearly with no air left to give him
She fell backwards, limbs all twisted; Jake backed away to the water...
Stepping in ankle-deep, gazing at the pained face of his father
The despair, distress and emotion felt is grueling. Top notch stuff.
And then the comedic break and twist: Dr. M. Night' (lmfao, can tell you had fun with this one)
The twist and ongoing story of Heidi tieing in to a different piece is insane. The meta writing and switching from descriptive to monologue is a really great way to keep the reader invested without getting bored. This kind of shit is on a different level and truly shows what's needed in tourneys like these. @
Lars, you missed out on this type of battle, this' the shit you're looking for, right? Where you at?
The doctor quipped, "When Sophie arrives don't stray off the path of the script"
"Or it's back to the beginning for you, where all the actor's are kids"
"How's THAT for a twist?"
^love the closure, lol. M night would be proud if he read this
This is my fav piece on NCs so far. This is finals level of work, you show that you just enjoy writing for the absolute love of it. Take copies of this one, it's a masterpiece imo.
Back to the beginning with me and reading 2 & 3 yet again haha
This is what makes me realise how much more I need to grow as a writer. The concept, comedic breaks and creative/flavorful writing and the way it takes the image to full use separates the best from the legends. You, Lars, Oats, Vulgar, Dead Man and a couple others got this shit in your blood when bringing your best. This is why I come back to this place.
Smod: it's going to be hard following a piece like that but Universe is no easy opponent and I know you can bring the heat so looking forward to this. I've already glanced over the battle but going to read it closer now.
The intro is dope af. You come in swinging like a grudge match in boxing. Flavorful language, references and setting the tone of what's to come is definitely on point.
Then the next stanza comes along and takes me out of the world you created with mentioning text shit. I see why, but... Why? Did you get demotivated or was it a conscious decision from the start?
Either way it is dope but more in the swag & flow category for me. There's a lot you could do with that intro and picture given but I feel like you took a different and risky path. Which I respect btw but I'm not sure if it'll pay off in this format.
"Every time I stare at this picture long enough to form a sentence my brain was abused"
^Aaah, I see. Understandable
Your lines are like the constellations but none of it is connecting to me
^lmfao, definitely get the swag & flow with strong battle elements vibe here, excellent writing and got me smiling irl. It won't give you the W but in terms of entertaining your readers you never fail to do so.
And the rest is cool stuff too. Definitely enjoyed the read and you show you can write. I do think the pic was distracting and it hurt you a bit which sucks, but you still showed and it was a dope read.
Respect.
Vote - Universe. Do think the topic being a rather distracting gif hurt smod a bit here given how he breaks the fourth wall early on and mentions it as well. Cool battle, hope to see you (smod) in the next topical tourney or league cus I didn't feel this gave your true ability any justice even if it still was an entertaining read.