[Split]

Originally Posted by Witty

Nothing is clean, his sin taints even the whitest sheep
Violence seeps through his pores on to the silent streets
A lion creeps with his eyes on the first girl he finds asleep
Mauls her with his knife and let's her lie deceased
And as she dies...he weeps.

Ok. Good scene setting, simple diction, letting yourself get warmed up into the story. I'm guessing that death will be important later as will the lion/sheep relationship..

He was born into money, a life of fortune and wealth
A lonely child, with nobody else he'd resort to himself
He would pray for a friend, spoke to God and begged that he'd send
Someone to play with, but nobody ever came in the end
So the pain and resent is what the hate seen today represents
God never answered, so HE will find someone to play with...a friend.

really nicely cut lines. crisp. serial killer vibe.

He smiles as she dies with a roar, spilling her insides on he floor
Then mutilates her vagina with the knife, and inscribes it with 'Whore'
Now he's crying once more.
He says he didn't mean to kill his friend, he just kinda got bored
And in a split second he gets mad again and splits her spine with a sword
He weeps as he thrusts the steel through her skin
As the full moon overhead glows as pale as her skin
The Satan within has taken the throne, making his home
Now he's nothing but a slave, vacant...alone
Destined to crawl with the snakes where they roam
Degrading the sacred too full of hate and depraved to atone

weird wording in last line but otherwise again, nicely polished... nothing striking me as descriptively outstanding or anything yet.

He plays with the carcass, miserable and depressed
Ripping skin from the breast, safe in the darkness
As he plunders her flesh, stabbing up under her chest
He whispers under his breath that he loves her to death
Tired, be decides on a final treat...hugging her body tight on the silent street
He smiles and weeps....then decides to sleep
Maybe they'll kill him, but no matter how it ends
He is no longer lonely, he's happy...he found a friend.

ok. cool evaluation of values and the isolation of wants and needs on a personal level vs. a societal level. I also liked the connection between his loneliness and ecstasy vs happiness... it was violent, impure- but you can't argue that he didn't get what he needed, deserved... somehow this stayed on the edge of being horrorcore and remained a smart/ insightful psychoanalysis or cultural study. maybe i haven't read a topical in a while, any ways, as i said- not lyrically superb but illuminated all the right areas of your plot

Originally Posted by dead man

check -




i built this.
guards and turret guns patrolling the fort
oceanside, camp reclusive like a coastal resort
overlord, supreme illusive One - microphoning reports
over speakerbox, controlling this war. Holy rapport
to soldiers, a corps who needed guidance. lonely and poor
after civility faded, government erosion was sure
until it's sandy wash had floated ashore. total reform,
as brutality turns beautiful. each rose has a thorn.

didn't like the schemes there^.

i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
terrorist minions. third-eye blinded to empirical systems
colonizing open spaces to prepare for repentance
one God, one mind, no comparison, listen
to how our armed invasion drills are scaring the children
euthanized. they gave away their parent's position,
such a shameful tradition.. but necessary for business
our parish is Christian, decorated, dead, defaming religion
conquered every mormon's mortgage facing eviction
make a decision. or you die today for patriotism
they won't remember your name. or the date you enlisted
so make a decision. make it fast, and make it official
ink it on your neck. frame it, plate it with nickel
turn heavy rain into drizzle. winter storm into clarity
writing war machine agenda like a source of conspiracy
morticians in masks performing torture as therapy
simply protocol's requirements for extortion or heresy
there was nothing here. i built this from a vision inside
using expertise to educate these ignorant tribes
formulas, weaponry, law, science, corporate design
then expanded like an atom into orbiting skies.



evil is a construct, but survival is truth
so power is the guiding force behind our pursuits
survival is a mechanism, power is lust
and evil is a weapon when it's ours to construct.




I

yeah only got halfway through this but i will finish this vote and on the other battles as well