Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0
Homeland Mystification
My climb to power was for my own improvement
no matter how far these cameras zoom in I focus threw it
government agencies harnessing surveillance blueprints
using location data to trace your recent movements
nice rhymes but the multi is off in last line
exerting social control, turning security company's into trolls
using technologies On their own thank god i ain't no civilian clone
remain home they want ya health and all control
enforce every tool at their disposal
spy drones with 1000x megapixel mobile
locate you within seconds anywhere global
cool section
I stay vocal that's why im a threat to public safety
personal privacy comes from higher senses if karma's hasty
call me the invasive norm we watch you while you sleep
as you travel interstates and parks fire escapes and dorms
interesting rhyme scheme
I only see what I can't crop
the things I witness will make a man drop
murders that I cant stop perverts uploading to there laptop
smile for the camera bring fire to the sandbox
higher-powered surveillance facial recognition
inner eye clearance birds eye view watching all the by-standards
with bi standards bi-polar hot tempered and vice mannered
some of this is cool
data-minded traffic evoke political agendas
based on unwise actions live feeds are state power
we watch you everyday and hour in the shower
put a red dot on ya head like a plane tower
surveillance measures for my own interests
appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance
using software to classify your camera color coded essence
nanobot nodes attached to your DNA chromosomes
feel like there's a climax coming. heightened conflict up to this point
it's in the air you breathe powerless to challenge the fight
balancing values of human rights while recording you at night
prove what it's like the strongest satellite
couldn't capture what i read or write
I viewed restricted sites where black magicians killed for religious rites
thumbprint access opens doors to bigger heights
zeitgeist, facial-recognition life you been identified
based on your lack of rhythmic spice
facial-recognition was used earlier in the verse, try to vary word choice. what is rhythmic spice?
privacy invader , highly invasive they know you by your first name
exclaim threw the monitors ill be ya savior , ill see ya later
they put cameras in your vaccinations , go-pros on ya head
decapitations , the hidden eye of the masons , digital spy
i get the thematic tie ins but this section feels jumbled
I be amazing saying this , here's some guidelines to minimize patient risk.
1. Solidify relationships , and watch who you acquainted with.
2. Silence has faith in it , the words you type and speak get recorded on the data strip.
3. Cameras can't capture the thoughts you thinking with , use them wisely
realize the real eye's you seeing with.
really like the closer. you stepped up the flow and ended on a meaningful note
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nice verse. has its ups and downs. the stream of consciousness style can be hit or miss for me. its okay to jump around in the verse but if you don't give the reader a path to connect things together its easy to leave them behind and confused. ended on a strong note, which is always a good way to end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Objective
He terminate what's hollow
with bourbon, urban nature and a dollar.
Certain that he's worthless,
earned his social status in the circus of what follows:
cool start
Attention vacant, isolated,
waiting patient paved in concentrated
constant hatred, pensioned motivation,
sense of self construct a feel that's well sedated.
So surreal,
won't play some games unless it's grey
and Hell-related.
like the internals and flow. short lines are working for the flow but are making it take longer to develop your story
His magnus opus is a focus of a mind that's lost and traded,
(that's the cost of ego when it's faded)
orchestrated callous roses withering on past-tense totems.
What's his motives? Casket closures
dosed on hope that grope his nasty moments.
rhymes are fire here. like this section
Last to see what no one sees,
climbs alone to raise the bar
of the phase to be
the face and grace of dying stars.
cool rhymes
Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting,
living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting.
Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd,
so in turn...
Who will read his urn
with stern and "nuanced" writing?
this is nice imagery
Digging graves for broken kings
with Pompeii-Phoenix wings
crafted from debris of nasa's ships.
It's the shit that beat Apollo
turning queens to leaves and trees.
i don't understand where you're going with this now
Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself;
another truth in which he dwell,
and just can't seem to swallow
in his version of a cell.
back to the topic
His bland shadow led astray
to form a shell betting happiness on lotto every day.
Hell is what he's too weak and blind to flee,
while the vision of the world is what our light can be!
What he's confined and forced to see in Plato's grotto...
... Is that anyone's stamina ...
gets limited to their own souls camera.
kind of a weak tie in to the pic.
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Enjoyed the read, one of the best rhyming verses in the league this week. I don't think you did an amazing job of tying back to the topic but I could see that you were at least trying to make connections.
Vote: brokenhal0. This is kind of a weird battle to me. Both had solid rhyming technique and connected to the topic pic, but imo objective had a much stronger verse in terms of rhyme while hal0 did a better job with his story/topic. I could see this going either way based on preference, but to me the topic is a pretty important part of this battle format so I give hal0 the edge for better execution in that context.