[Objective]

brokenhal0 - Liking the first 4 lines and interested to see where you're going with this.

as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
^ Like what you're going for here. I would still recommend to try and match the syllables somewhat as the second line is a bit stretched and didn't flow as well. Also "a amazonian" breaks up the reading a lil, "an amazonian frog" would read better here I think due to "two A's" so close to each other.

Closure is cool with a message as well and wraps up it up. Enjoyed the content matter but execution of certain lines is a bit patchy here and there. I think a small part of that is because it works well in your head, but as a reader it can be difficult to quite get it right away, at least for me. Punctuation will help with that, so I recommend implementing that into your pieces.

That said, enjoyed the read and what you were going for.

Candy - Flows better than broken halos imo, but like him punctuation could help you out here and there even tho it's not as needed as it was with his. I see improvements to your pieces but sometimes sacrifice meaning for rhymes. Remember, rhymes is just a tool but not the main one, getting a clear message across is more important than flow and rhymepatterns, which is what you're losing my vote on here. Sticking to the topic a bit more is also another thing I would like to stress, but you're improving which is cool to see. Stick to the league, listen to feedback given and you'll defo grow quite a bit by the end of this.

Normally I don't read other peoples votes before I've posted mine but brain feels a bit scrambled atm so looking for proper phrasings, already put my vote in before going there tho. Fraze put it nicely with this: "like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme", read up on assonance and incorporate that a little bit more and you'll see a smoother transition in your already good understanding of rhyme patterns, it'll bring your pen game to the next level and flow buttery off the tongue as the reader follows your mindscape. That coupled with asking yourself "what do I mean by this?" cus patterns is something the brain loves and makes us think it fits, saying "us" cus I'm defo guilty of that sometimes too, I think everyone is/has to a degree until they reach a certain level.

future torment/moon orphaned
^I like this but again, the flow kinda dwindled a little bit for me with "moon orphaned" as it's 3 syllables while "future torment" is 4. 3 to close up the couplet breaks it a little for that buttery feel.

Your ideas are dope, you just gotta solve the puzzle. You're getting there tho, keep writing.

Vote - brokenhal0, content and topic-wise (apologize to both for my rather lackluster vote, hope y'all got something out of it tho)