I’m a fan of the artist behind the topic choice this week, I’ve used his illustrations as topic choices previously when I’ve modded the league. Not this one in particular, though, admittedly. The image itself seems to lean toward the idea of “Why the caged bird sings,” only with a more modern twist — which can be taken in a few different ways, so for me personally I may have deliberately gone the exact opposite way and tried to make something more light heated and comedic about maybe a Tweets By Tre new brand of headphones on that market that had its idea stolen and sold very few units after the idea concept had been stolen by Dr Dre or something. Complete left-field flip on the image shown and unexpected but wholly original. Anyway, enough about me here; let’s see what you guys came up with...
Pharoah: I think your rhyme placement in that first line is overlooked here by some people. Your rhyme placement in that opening line is spot on, it then read very Eminem-esque to me (which is a compliment) from there on.
Quote:
So he throws on a beat from days gone back.
Gets nostalgic when he plays the track.
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It reminded me of Sing For The Moment, content wise, and I think in relation to the picture I can see the inspiration somewhat there. I think the premise as well was very real, especially noted in the closing lines, but felt right throughout this.
What I enjoyed here is how you immersed yourself in that image and crafted someone’s story from it, getting at what lay at the very heart of the picture, and giving it a meaning. A feeling. You injected a life into it by basing the this around a very relatable scenario, universally relatable, we’ve all no doubt got a connection to be that as a writer, a musician, a rapper, or even just as a creative person in whatever outlet we choose as the medium. That’s where it’s heart lies in this.
The internal multies and assonance employed haven’t been overlooked by me either, this section in particular stood out to me in terms of your strength with rhyme scheme and technical flare:
Quote:
Not a dissident.
An ardent participant.
He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
nice pic tie in. Cool rhyming
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?
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It read very naturally, and that’s a harder difficulty setting than many realise in terms of the writers voice and execution for sure. The complexity is almost in the simplicity there. I have no problem given props where justly deserved. Great job.
Adverse:
The onomatopoeic sounds in the opener here reminded me of Candy’s verse this week, actually (I voted on theirs just prior to this one so it’s still fresh in my mind lol). The “hum” and “beat” descriptors in the opening couplet work well. Your word choices also keep the readers interest, the word “terrarium” here was utilised to great effect in that sense:
This was another solid display of your vocabulary and how well you put it to use. It’s natural sounding, used correctly, and not overbearing which can be a problematic for some people to strike a balance between that show of intellect and still making the read accessible to the audience.
Quote:
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You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do
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This one has a dope punchline-esque quality you’ve honed during your time in the NBL and it shows.
The closing lines, to hark back to my initial thoughts, tie in perfectly with what I imagined the image to be in connection to when I first viewed it. I liked that you fully immersed your storyline within the image, but also built a world around it - that encompassed it and utilised what was there but also worked outside of its framework if you like to build the infrastructure of your piece around it as your central point.
This is a close one, I have it closer than I think a lot do for varying reasons, largely a deciding factor for me here was the execution in both verses with Adverse’ having the more archetypal Lars verse I guess in terms of how I would have approached, and executed, this topic has I been presented with it. Call it personal preference if you want, the other voters seem to agree with my call also so I guess I’m alone in this view, but I had Adverse edging this in more categories overall. Good battle fellas!
Keep those pens moving!