Honestly don’t know what got into Hal0 this week, especially at the speed he wrote this. I’m used to seeing a more disconnected hal0, somebody who doesn’t relate back to his picture too often and sort of rhymes himself in circles, though his rhymes are usually technically solid they aren’t always super coherent. I guess I wrote him off this week and he proved me wrong, his opening bars resonated with me and painted the picture of his piece clearly
“Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs”
Dope. I liked this section honestly this one
“ severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls”
Though sometimes I can feel you slip away topically you come right back. Sort of painting this picture of corruption in the world especially in higher up positions. In the end you’ve just got to paint a sun on the clouds and pretend it’s all okay. Good job here.
Candy:
I think you’re a terrific writer, I really love the visuals that you paint and the language. Whether it be a great vocabulary or the use of alliteration or just very small details such as that. Case in point
“of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions“
My only complaint with your work is it has not paid off in a topical sense, I think you could use a few more tie-ins to your topic picture to remind yourself what your focus should be on, we’ve got to feel that connection that’s a huge part of topicals to me.
I think Hal0 followed the picture more carefully and had a better crafted piece this week
V/Hal0
|