My initial thoughts on the topic itself are almost to try and ignore the obvious pollution filled smoke / save the planet style preachy offering and go against it - opting for something more of the lines of there being a brighter day even at the end of the blackest ladder type scenario. I think a storyline would work well, rather than a straight up topical, here and there’s a great deal of imagery to utilise via metaphors and create something - that route offers the most room for manoeuvre (to me) from a creative standpoint. Let’s see what you guys did...
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0
Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
This is nice, very in-keeping with my initial thoughts, a strong carry over rhyme and implied rhythmic cadence to it also. I liked the “as above, so below” angle there with the image provided.
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
Nice switch up to the scheme utilised here, different but creative. I don’t see many others doing that.
Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry
I liked the angle taken here, it went below what’s seen purely on a surface level in the image and you delved below that to develop your own little scenario beyond what’s seen. This was a nice way of using the image topic and flipping it into your own work, going beyond what was shown, and I haven’t overlooked that at all. I appreciate it.
severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why
Again, the switch up on the rhyme scheme here catches the readers attention because you use it well - sticking to a more standardised format before changing things up on them in the clincher. It’s a risk, no doubt, but I feel like it’s paid off because it works (for me at least!)
pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.
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I think you had a strong submission this week; a lot to enjoy in terms of the scheming and technical ability. It was essentially a topical piece, rather than a storytelling effort, and that in itself is somewhat of a commodity in a league like this - but it works, and I think in terms of how you went about executing it you took the correct route here with the topic. It was a tough one and you utilised it well, playing to your strengths in flow and technical proficiency. Good work.