Quote:
Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army
His eyes on the prize as he tries to keep the culture alive.
He worries the culture could die. If everyone played their part the culture would thrive.
would have like more variety in word choice here
So he throws on a beat from days gone back.
Gets nostalgic when he plays the track.
Reminds him of his days as musician.
Few listened, so appeasing himself and a few friends became the new mission.
simple rhymes but you're moving the story forward well
But he couldn’t capture his true vision, and stopped recording songs.
(And he was Not recording long.)
Years later. Growth as a writer.
A known fighter, lighting his own fire.
Not a dissident.
An ardent participant.
He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
nice pic tie in. Cool rhyming
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?
As he conjures worlds and slays biographers,
promotes satire, but avoids photographers.
..Back in the booth. Attempting to rap the truth.
We all take breaks but this could happen to you.
nice ending.
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Liked your pic interpretation, made it relatable to all writers. Rhyming was up and down but above average overall. Well done piece for the length. Thanks for the good read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adverse
My aching bones hum hymns of restlessness
Every beat of my heart longs to be wherever the adventure is
liked this
Cemented feet so my spread-out wings couldn’t carry me far
This room has become my prison, a terrarium in a jar
I inspect the bars, without grasping the fragility of my glass reality
Every time I make a break for the light the demons drag me back down - it’s crab mentality
cool metaphor
My perception is lost inside of me, I’ve lost my senses, too
You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do
Idle hands do the devils bidding, I try my best to stay busy
Distracting from the fact that I could do ANYTHING in the world
......as long as it fits inside this cage with me
liked this
I tweet the tunes loudly when the crowd’s gone, whenever I’m alone
I’m forced to stay here day to day but I’m afraid it’ll never be a home
Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard
a little lighter in this section but still ok
Making his rounds back and forth hear him pacing up the halls
I try and plan an escape route, but there’s nothing to face but these four walls
I’ve fought stagnancy head on until my bones were weak
Now I’m ready to fall into the remains of who I used to be, as a broken me
....
For everyone who wished on me to fail this it their favorite scene
La da di di da
I finally understand why the caged bird sings..
cool closing
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Very solid technically. Well written with a solid narrative. A different take than PA but I liked your approach. Only complaint I have is the tone is down the whole piece, would have been nice to see a twist at the end or more of a high point to start from for contrast. Ending feels a little cliche but its a great pic tie in.
Vote: Adverse This is a very close battle to me. Both did a good job tying in the pic and have good verse technically. I liked the angle PA took and don't really have much bad to say about it, but the rhyming seemed like it slipped in the middle. I like Adverse's use of metaphor through out and his rhyming was a little stronger. I didn't like his ending as much, but thought he had a slightly stronger piece overall.