[fraze]

Originally Posted by MMLP

Still different from the rest
diffident at best, scratching and crawling
itching for respect, beginning to impress
each bar is a signal of success
nice open. good word choices and rhyming
the emotions riddle me with debts to society
the quest for sobriety, leaves those hopes in tatters
I hold the cameras facing the closing chapter
the incoming calls, drive me up the wall
in climbing the social ladder
nice followup. taking on the topic pretty directly but with solid prose
but I go on clambering page by page
through the ice ages of Myspace
its high stakes masking a cry-face that hides shame
so I bend the truth,
just to keep the lies straight
paying the price ranges from being forsaken
thinking why-fight it
isolated, a live wire who seems simulated
nice section w/ bend the truth
releasing statements, tweeting elation
injuries apart, I’m still feeling I’m jaded
a level- headed maturity
crossed with a false sense of security
that can lift me like a barbell, but at the same time I can’t tell
I become inquisitive, its triggering
a simple “Hope you are well,”
and I’m thinking, is this heart-felt?
nice development. getting philosophical on the ills of a social media society
I just need to ditch the phone,
switch the tone of this ‘hard’ shell
the only thing ringing now.. should be the alarm bells!
nice
but I can’t help but think I’m bitter
to put it in scripture, it reflects in the mirror
so check your spots, connect the dots
and you’ll see the bigger picture
the panic releasing through those little whispers
cool
in a matter of speaking, I’m in the land of the free
Travelled the regions plastered in green
the gathering trees
scattered with leaves
still actively seeping with the passage of seasons,
I planted the seeds like Adam and Eve did
bask in the breeze of my plans to get even
nice rhymes
recaptured the feeling
of not having to reason
with this supernatural being I just won’t release
controlling me through bad spells
thought it was handheld but it’s the one who had a hold of me
Ctrl-Alt-Delete
a non-believer, decided I was moving on
scooped along now I’ve been proven wrong
like the idea here but something is lacking on wording
crossing the junctions, onwards and upwards
found a new route across and a lease of life
feast your eyes, because now I’m non provoked, not controlled
intoxicated and you don’t want the smoke,
bottles opened going for that pot of gold
I’m starting afresh,
now I’ve got a hold
because it’s better to be on the bottom of a ladder that you want to be on
than on top of one, you don’t!
cool closing

Really dig the rhyming. Great use of internal rhymes to control the flow and pace of the verse. Cool take on the topic, started strong but fell off slightly in the second half. Enjoyable read man, you're one of the writers I'll be checking for.

Originally Posted by Objective

His isolated mind portray a wide array of codes,
"Hello world" and tumblr notes the same way IG fumble nodes.
Under-appreciated likes, lives ain't aging right, you might say he's fine,
David's staging kindness, yet hating blind on games that play with time.
strong rhymes.
Savior lines, mental health chat bots trend it,
Ask what algorithms of friendships end with.
He release some of his Steam on Nintendo,
yet needs VRChat to talk with his friend though.
simpler rhymes. setting up the story
Connect motion sensors to his body for human touch,
stopped caring about the other side cus it's used too much.
and it's better than nothing, this hell confused something,
as physical contact turned meta for self-induced rotting.
this feels a little rushed but i see what you're doing

This means
David is facing the beast of infinite knowledge,
internet storage invited his brain for an intimate slow death.
That's what you get when you eat with the mistress of No Chance,
plants the seed of distress while coping with new types of romance.
rhyming is a little shaky here
Tech split the seas of reality, walk till it closes,
silly app-roaches lead noses that click with insanity's Moses.
liked this couplet
Sniff out the victims of addiction to distanced closeness,
Robotic fanfics and its pixelated restrictions to roses.
Corrected features, phone screens is his night lights glow,
and only connects with people as far as his wi-fi go...
nice ending

Solid piece. It feels short but its a sign of good writing when you leave the reader wanting more. The piece feels rushed but you're obviously a solid writer would like to see how you'd flesh this out given another stanza or two. It's hard to do good stories in short pieces, you don't have a lot of space to develop the narrative arc. Still a good read, just feels unfinished as is.

Vote: MMLP Good battle on both sides but MMLP dropped a very solid piece. Its hard to win against a good verse with half as many lines but this might have been more competitive if they matched lengths.