Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0
Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
strong opening, solid rhymes.
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
not sure where this is going yet
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
still not sure. rhymes are carrying but this is pretty abstract
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry
severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
this is nice. connecting back to over-industrialized society
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
rhyming is off. continuing the exploitation theme
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why
pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
rhyming is rough in this section.
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.
another picture tie in. ending feels underwhelming
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Solid piece technically and you definitely connected to your picture, but it was pretty abstract through out. You said 'paint the sun' three times in the verse. I get that's the picture, but try to say it in different ways and take some different angles. The ending didn't give me much of a sense of closure. Still not sure what the purpose of the piece was, but quality rhyming kept it interesting to read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Candy
..the sun sonned..
a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
rhyming is ok, but wording is weird. feels like there are words missing
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
ink in fortune stored for future torment
cool internal rhymes but not sure what you're trying to say
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
see above
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i feel like im tripping on acid
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived
still not sure
one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold
cool story
..
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I liked the rhyming but couldn't piece together a story or narrative. Also couldn't parse a connection to the topic. I really liked some of your rhyming sections but would have liked to see a more coherent piece.
Vote: brokenhal0 This would have been a closer battle if Candy made better use of his picture. Both were technically solid pieces but Candy had a slightly higher degree of complexity to his rhymes. Unfortunately the topic seems to have been an afterthought, which isn't great for topical battles. halo drop a solid piece, had some connections to the pic, and that was enough for the win.